Use Me, Royal Stranger (mxm)

Chapter 10 - The Battles Within (Part II)

        Dawn found Carlen in a catatonic state still laying in the same position Alaric left him in the woods. He couldn't move, he couldn't think, he couldn't do anything except lay there. He could only feel the pain aching in his chest and his mind kept replaying the moment that Alaric told him they could not be mates. He didn't even know how long he had been laying there. There was no purpose in anything. There was nothing. He had nothing.

        He had spent all this time just questioning his existence. Why was he born a male? Why was he born a low-born? Why was he born a werewolf? Why was he so undeserving of love? Why must the moon goddess cruelly dangle this hope in front of him, so close that he could touch it, only to wrench it away from his arms before he could savour it fully? Why did the moon goddess allowed for him to be born, only to be abandoned again and again? Unwanted, that's all he's going to be.

        Carlen sighed and shuddered as he felt his body muscles stiffen from being in the same position for such a long time. Perhaps after last night, he should resign to his fate. He would never be loved for who he is. Perhaps he will never be loved at all.

        Nana. Carlen's mind drifted off to Nana and he wondered if she truly did love him, and if she did, for now, when would she to tell him that she no longer needed him in his life anymore?

        Carlen tried to take another deep breath, but found that his chest was in too much pain. He settled for taking in a small short breath. He needed to move away from this wretched spot. Or he could just lay here and wait for something in this woods to eat him. Carlen laughed bitterly in his mind, maybe that's just what he needs to make this feelings go away.

        Strangely, Carlen felt extremely human at that moment. He felt alone in his own mind and body. He could not feel his wolf at all anymore. Carlen scoffed bitterly under his breath, ignoring the pain he felt when he did. He should be happy that his wolf had totally no influence on his mind and actions anymore. Maybe his wolf died from the heartbreak of being rejected by its mate. That's a good thing right? He was now free. He was now human.

        Even with the full moon's power now fading into nothing, he would usually still be able to feel his wolf straining for more control at this point. But he felt nothing from his wolf counterpart. It was strangely absent, numbing. He felt empty on the inside. Perhaps if Carlen could, he would rejoice and celebrate that his wolf seemed to have given up on him and simply let him be human. But there was no joy, no emotion he was capable of right now.

        He had stopped sobbing about an hour after Alaric left. He had simply stared straight into the woods ahead of him, not bothering to budge. He didn't have a reason to move. In fact, he had every reason not to move. Where were the wild animals in the woods that Nana often told him about that would attack him and eat him if he were unlucky? He surely was unlucky today. Apparently not enough to attract those beasts then?

        Carlen felt desperation hit him hard even through the chaos of emotions that were swirling within him. He never thought needed a mate until he found out that Alaric was his mate. He wasn't sure if it was because he found out that his royal stranger was his mate, or that his mate was Alaric that made him feel this way. But it was all the same. He felt as though life would be meaningless if they were not together.

        Carlen's eyes were getting droopy and his body shivered a little. He must have spent too much time out here in the woods. But there was this nagging feeling in the back of his mind. What if Alaric regrets? What if he wanted to talk to him? Where would he find Carlen if he walked away now? If he stayed here, in this same spot, Alaric might be able to find him and they could talk about what they could do. Right? Alaric would want to talk about this again right? He would want to see Carlen again, right?

        Carlen sighed grimly at the desperation in his mind's voice. The only thing he could find comfort in right now was that Alaric had not said the words to his rejection formally. Carlen was going to grasp at any chance he had, as long as it meant that Alaric could still come around and still be his.

        Carlen could not imagine hearing his mate rejecting outrightly. Until the time Alaric says that he was going to officially reject him, Carlen will hold on to this thin string of hope and try his best to convince Alaric that they would be okay together at every and any chance that the moon goddess would bless him with.

        Carlen allowed a stray tear to fall from his face. When had he started crying again? If only Alaric would give them a chance. He would set aside his pride and his needs. He would request nothing, want nothing but to only have the hope that Alaric was his. He would remain a secret, he would do anything Alaric wanted him to. He didn't need a mate's mark, he didn't need to have the mating ritual, he simply wanted to be able to stay by Alaric's side. Carlen's mind could not comprehend that Alaric would disappear from his life from now on. No. He would not.

        With some hope in his heart, Carlen tried to rationalize with himself that Alaric would know to find him at Nana's if he truly wanted to seek him. Staying here in the woods, wallowing in self pity and allow his mind to remain in this state of total disorder was not the way. He had to return to Nana and wait for Alaric to make his move. All was not lost yet. He had not been officially rejected yet.

        With every reluctant and complaining muscle, Carlen pushed his body off the ground with great effort, dusting off the leaves and soil that stuck to him. He looked up into the sky with his aching body. The full moon was completely gone now. The morning rays were streaming through the leaves of the trees atop him and he leaned back, liking how the warmth of the rays hit his face.

        There must be still hope.

  ∞

Thanks for reading this chapter! I hope you liked it!