Depression

Looking back

I wish I could restart like a video game. Start over new so I could do everything differently. Every time I turn on my iPod every song I listen to has memories attached to them. I don't want these memories any more.

I just want to forget the past and let go of this pain. This pain is like a rope that won't hang me, instead it holds me back, stopping me from moving on.

I just want to let go of the past. The memories. The pain they cause.

I just want to move past this.

I don't care how I do it, weather it's with a rope around my neck, blade in my hand, or girl on my arm. I just wanna move on. Move past this low point.

It's almost like there's this song in the back of my mind thats on repeat and I try to shut it off but its just not fucking possible. It keeps playing constantly. Constantly reminding me of my past. Of the things I've done wrong, and the things I've fucked up.

I just want to let it go. Burn it with a flame so no one will ever know what happened. Just erase it. Get it out of my mind.

It screams louder then any music I can play. It's louder then anything and there's no way to stop it or block it out or change it. It's there and always will be till the day I die.

At some point I'm gonna have to move on. Sooner or later. Sooner rather then later.

Everything comes to pass at some point. Stars light then die. The sun rises then sets. Relationships start then end. People live then die. Everything comes to an end at some point. But the question is, how far away is that point?

I feel depressed, every moment of every day. No matter how many smiles I use to cover it up, deep inside there's just sadness. It crept up on me like the dark upon the day.

It's almost as if you take a record and scratch it up so bad it sounds horrible. That's what my life feels like. Feels like every time I try to find a good memorie all I find is dark depressing, scratched up memories.

Every time I look at my wrist it's a constant reminder of how I've fucked up time and time again. And all I can think of is how the list just goes on and on..

The knife hasn't touched my wrist in a while but the pain still ripples through my mind.

I feel like a winney little bitch who complains about every little problem he comes into. Like no one gives a shit about what I'm going though or have gone through. I feel like I complain to much and people are sick of listening to me so I bottle it up and when it builds up to high I just use a knife to release the pressure.

It's not just the things I'm going through that makes me depressed though. It's the memories from the past that you can't change. You can alter your future and present but your past will always stick by your side like a constant reminder of the shit you've done and the shit you've fucked up.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to hold this burden deep inside me, slowly hurting the ones around me. I want to stop that repeating song in the back of my mind.

I just want to let it all go and get lost in the quietness and emptiness that lies deep inside me.