Depression

Life...

What the fuck am I doing with my life? I mean seriously. All I ever do is sit around, jerking off, playing video games, while stoned, and hoping that someday the gorgeous girl from my dreams will hop on my lap and fuck me till next Tuesday. I mean there has to be something more, something better to do in life. But I've tryed to go out, I've tryed to meet new people and have new experiences, but it just doesn't seen to help.. So much effort put into so little fun, just to go home and be depressed again.. Maybe this isn't me talking, or maybe it is.. I can't tell anymore. The drugs have me split between two different people, one high on life and happy as a mother fucker, the other so depressed he can't think for two minutes with the word "suicide" popping into his head. I can't tell which me is me anymore. And I'm scared. Scared of falling back into the pit of despair, scared of having to go to the hospital again, scared of my own parents not even understanding what's going on inside my head. But at the same time, I'm sick and tired, tired of wearing this mask that hides my scared face. Tired of telling people I'm ok, of telling the doctor I feel better when I don't. I just want eveything to be alright. I want to be normal and act normal and feel normal, instead of the depressed outcast I am.. But I guess I can't change what is meant to be so I just deal. I keep on keeping on, because, what else can I do really? Tell the doctor I feel worse so they

drug me up someone, trying to hide how cruel and dark the world really is? Maybe I see the world how it really is and everyone else are just sheep led to the slaughter, maybe ive been "normal" all along... but I guess I'll never know, and neither will you..