Depression

Relationships

I don't know how to handle this anymore. Every time I get close she just pushes me away again, even further then the last time. I know that she doesn't like me anymore but I can't comprehend it. I can't grasp this harsh reality. I don't want to. I want her..

I want her more then anything, but we keep drifting further and further apart. I feel like I don't deserve this, but deep down I know I do.. I know she'll never trust me again, and as a result shell never get close to me again.. Well never be together again. I know this but my heart still chases after her like a child after a beautiful butterfly. The child may never catch it but it'll stay in there heart forever, along with the pain it caused by flying away. But eventually the child will move on to bigger and better things.. Does that mean I will to?

Does it mean that someday ill be able to forget about her and just move on to better things? But what if I can't find anyone better? What if she really is the best the best can get? But I guess if she was shed forgive my mistakes.. But maybe even the best can't repair a broken mirror. Even the prettiest of roses can't repair a broken relationship. A relationship is built on trust, and if you don't have hat, you have nothing. I see that now, but now is way to late. The trust has been destroyed and now there's nothing left between us but memories, but even those won't last forever. Even those fade away over time.

So that's it so guess. The only reasonable thing to do is move on. But I can't. I can't because the heart isn't reasonable, it isn't rational. It goes after what it wants, off limits or not. That's why people spend there whole lives trying to reach the moon while everyone else is busy watching the stars.

And so my deep thoughts have brought me full circle. Right from wondering why, and all the way back.. And what do I have to show for it? A bunch of pointless words. I still love her. I still miss her deep, inviting eyes.. Her beautiful sparkling smile.. And her soft smooth lips that I long to kiss once again. But it doesn't matter what I want. What I need is to move on. She's over me so I need to get past her. I need to let go and move on to something more, something new, something I haven't fucked up yet.

I wish I had a full relationship with someone before her. Someone like her but not her. That way I could have learned where I fucked up before I dated her. So I could use what I learned with her and use it. I could use it to keep her trust. To stop lieing and come out with the absolute truth, no matter how horrible and terrifying it is..

But now it's to late. But at least I could use what I learned with my next relationship. So I wouldn't fuck it up again.. I don't know how I would handle something like this again..