Depression

Over thinking..

If I was just a bit skinnier.. Just a bit smarter.. Just a bit funnier.. Maybe, just maybe, she'd like me more then him.. But I'm not. And she doesn't.

Just the thought of her with him makes me wanna overdose on my antidepressants. She is my world. My everything. And my everything has left and now I've got nothing. Which leads me to believe there's nothing left to live for. Nothing to let go. So why the fuck is it so fucking hard to do so?

Why can't I walk away from nothing when my everything just walked away from me? Why can't I just fucking do it already? Shove a few dozen pills down my throat and tie a rope up nice and tight.

I won't be missed. Not for long. Nobody cares about me. I'm just some random depressed dude off the street. As if the world would care if I disappeared. One guy can't make that big a difference can he? One less fat, lazy, depressed, stressed, fuckup asshole can't make that big a difference. Not in a bad way at least.

The only girls that want me are the ones I don't want. I mean I only have one true love but there's so many other girls out there I like.. But none like me. So I'm stuck chasing after my everything that left me with nothing. Like a dog after its tail, going in circles but never truly getting any closer.

I fucking hate this. I just want to leave this depressing world, even if I go straight to hell. Hell can't be any worse then feeling nothing but pain and depression can it? Or even just depression. I've past the point of losing feeling from pain.. No more pain or suffering.. No more happy times, or sad times, just depression.

And the worse part is, is that the only person that knows how I truly feel is her. My everything. Everyone else sees my fake smiles but they keep moving on. They've got there own problems, they've got no time for mine. So I just sit here in the emptiness. Building up the courage until one day I finally let go of my everything, my nothing, my depression, and slip into a deep cold coma, never to awake again..

I'm almost there.. Almost at the edge of darkness.. On the verge of life and death. Alive, and dead. I almost stumbled over the edge without thinking. Without looking at my options.. Without a single thought in the matter, other then it had to be better then this shit hole people call my life.

Tbh I think I have a horrible life. I want to step out of it and drop it off a Clift. But I Personaly don't think I've gone through very much.. Everyone keeps telling me I have, but I don't see it.. I mean like my parents split at the age of 7 and I moved around a lot, but so what? I think the worst thing I've been put through is my girlfriends dad cheating on his gf with my mom.. But w.e.. I'm over it. And her.

Some people say attempted suicide is a horrible thing to go through, but I don't really count that because tycanally I put myself through that. I had the power to stop it but I didn't. I went through with if, and if I'd had my time back, I'd do it again. Only this time, a less painful, more deadly way. That way it might have actually killed me. Then I wouldn't get to fuck up anything else, because that's all I seem to do. Fuck shit up. With everyone I come into contact with.

Constantly. Everyday, every night, every hour, every minute all I do is fuck up.

That's all I ever do. That's all I know how to do. I've tryed to fix things, but it doesn't happen like that. Once you've fucked up, you've fucked up. There is no second chance. You can't change your past.

But then again, even if you could change ur past, would you really want to? The past is what makes us who we are. It defines it. It shapes us. It influences our choices which change our future, changing us even more. So even knowing that with the slightest change in your past you could become everything you stand against? Everything you built your hate towards? Would you really chance it? Risk it all to change one little mistake? Just to fix something?

I would.