Depression

My first

I still remember it.

As if it was just the other day.. But it wasn't.. It was a while ago. But I still remember. My first kiss.

We hung out a lot that summer.. Doing a whole lot of nothing.. But just being with her gave me a good feeling.. Sometimes we'd play video games, listen to music, watch movies.. Or just sit and talk.. I miss those days.. Before everything became so complicated..

She had a thing for bitting.. She bit my ear a lot.. Eventually moving onto biting my nose.. When ever shed go to bite my nose, I'd tilt my head up slightly to make her kiss me but she'd turn away and smile at the last second..

She was cute like that.. Coming close enough to tempt me, but always left her self room to back away.. But this one night.. I wasn't the one kissing her.. She kissed me..

She had started bitting my lip a few days before.. Not often, nor very hard.. But soft and gentle.. And loving.. I really liked her.. I still do.. She meant a lot to me, even with her imperfections, and her little trips.. I looked pass it all and saw the beautiful personality lying on the inside..

When she started biting my lip I could tell it would happen soon.. I had always thought I'd die alone, and never get my first kiss, my first girlfriend, or even my first dance.. But she put this all out of my mind. I completely forgot about it around her. I felt like the luckiest man alive.

This one night happened that changed everything. It changed me forever. She pinned me down on the bed and I didn't resist. First she bit my nose, then moved her head down and bit my lip. I looked deep into her beautiful eyes and knew what was about to happen.. She turned the bite into a kiss. My first kiss.

My life would never be the same again. She made me think that there was hope for me. That I wouldn't die alone. That night I deeply fell for her. I had previously told her I loved her and I truly thought I did, but I had no idea what love was. Not until this point at least. I couldn't get her out of my mind. She actually kissed me. She made my mind wander and go out of control. A feeling I've never felt before.

I finally felt love. And I felt it towards her. No one else, just her. With a tilt of her head and a two second kiss, she had changed my world and impacted it with more force then anyone before, and anyone to come.

I loved her more then anything, but being the fuck up I am, I fucked up. I let her slip through my fingers, never to be kissed by me again.

And now I'm jealous of every guy that hugs her, because for that short second, they hold my entire world, and yet most of those assholes don't even care about her. They look right through her only thinking of her sex appeal without a second thought of the amazingness that lies deep inside.

She truly is astonishing. She doesn't deserve the shit she's gone though. And the guys that put her though it don't deserve her either, and that includes me. But I can't just let go and move on. There's something more that attracts me. Something that I don't understand and can't change. So I just sit and wait for either her to forgive me or for myself to get over it. But I'm not so sure I want to..