My Transgender Diary

September 7, 2016

So I had school and it went well. I came out as transgender to my best friend with the help of another friend. Then I got home and worked on homework. My mom got home and I was doing homework when she came in. She closed my door and sat on my bed. She said "So do you remeber what you said on the way to the beach?"
       Of course being the awkward child I am, I just sat there with a confused look on my face.
       She then said "How you thought you were bisexual."
        I then answered "I'm not..." I sat there quivering in fright of what she would say next.
        "So do you want to tell me something?" She asked obviously hinting at something and I knew what.
       I tucked my head in my sweatshirt.
       "Do you want to be a boy?" She asked but she obviously already knew the answer.
        I nodded my head slowly. I started to cry.
       "Why wouldn't you tell me?" She asked. I just sat there crying. "Why do you want to be a boy?"
       "Because I'm tired of trying to be good enough for people!!" I reply sobbing.
        "For who?" She asks.
         "For the popular kids! For everyone! I just wanted to be popular!!" I reply loudly. I tuck my head back in my shirt.
        "Or do you want to be a tomboy?" She asks.
        "No! I want to be a boy! I'm not a tomboy!!" I yell back offended.
        "This is a serious question. Would you want to have surgery to give you a...." She asks in a serious tone. I nod my head between sobs. "That's very serious you shouldn't be deciding this at twelve years old." She says to me.
         I think to myself "Then why did you ask me!!"
        "Were you and L more than friends?" She then asks.
        "We were for a couple days." I reply looking into her eyes.
        "During your sleepover?" She asks.
        "Yea...."
        "Did you guys do anything?" She asks.
        "No. We cuddled but that's it." I reply.
        "Did you kiss?" She asks.
        "NOO!!" I yell back angrily.
        "You shouldn't be having physical relationships at 12!" She yells back as I tuck my head into you sweatshirt. "Stop hiding!" She yells at me. "I can't trust you at sleepvers." She says to me.
      "I don't like girls!! I don't see anyth...." I trail off in anger. "Her parents are really christian and they found out when she was a little younger and they didn't like it at all!" I carry on. "She's afraid if they find out again she won't have a house!!" I yell angrily.
       "Well do you want to talk to someone?" She asks.
       "Yeah..." I reply stumbling over my words.
       "Like who?" She asks.
       "I don't know," I reply.
       "Well I don't know who you want to talk to! Do you want me to call the psychologist again?" She asks.
        "Yes." I reply happy to agree.

*a couple minutes after talking*

       "You are too young to know this." She says after a long talk I soon forgot about.
       "No I'm not little kids figure it out!" I reply unhappily.
       "You didn't show any signs when you were younger." She says
       I think to myself "That's because I didn't think clothes or colors had genders. I also didn't think girls and boys were really any different. I didn't want to be a bad kid by rebeling against gender roles and getting in trouble. As a little kid I thought anything that rebeled against what I was taught would get me in trouble. So that's why I didn't show signs." I didn't say any of this out loud of course.

We hugged and all that in the end. She later left so I could finish my homework after the talk.

*my mom had snuck on my phone while I was sleeping and looked at my social media. She told my step dad but not my dad thank god.*