I don't want to lose myself (killua x reader)

I'm dead

Reader P.O.V

I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to go to school earlier. My world became silent and colorless. My footsteps made no sound as I walked on the concrete.

My world became black and white as if I was in those old movies. The wind blows my braided hair back. Before, I met Lizzy my world was like this for years.

Now, the colors washed away into nothing. Even with tamaki by my side my world was colorless. I hated it. I ran away way each time I found out they were close.

I knew nobody would help me. Everyone else was too scared by their power—their money. They were cruel and merciless.

My father wanted to touch me as if I wasn't his child. When his other daughters came he would act all fatherly, and would spoil them while I had nothing.

I was in pain constantly, I was helpless, and not even the maids or butlers would help me. They watched in pity and did absolutely nothing.

They hid me from the outside word, knowing I was a disgrace to the—their family. I never belonged there in the first place. I walked inside the empty school.

I headed toward the music room hoping I could play the piano. I opened the door and headed toward the piano. I sat down in the chair and straighten my back. I place my fingers on the piano. I slowly press down on the keys.

Play music.

As I played i didn't pour my feeling into the song. The piece felt empty with no feeling. There was no happiness, joy, sadness, anger, regret, heart-warming. Nothing at all. Even my music sounded dead.

There was nothing beautiful about it.

"(Y/n), do it again, try and put more spirt in it." My mother told me. I nod my head trying to make her proud. So I put all my emotion into it.

I happily pressed down on the keys thinking about my family. A small smile spread across my lips. Each time I would mess up I kept going smiling knowing it was okay.

I had chubby small fingers. My short (h/c) brushing against my shoulders. "You did great, little one!" She said cheerfully hugging me. I look down at her tummy.

It was getting bigger and bigger. I smiled. "Mommy? Why don't I have a daddy?" I ask curiously.

"Why doesn't he have a daddy?" She stares at me and her bangs cover her eyes. She looked as if she was going cry. I panicked knowing I should have kept my mouth shut.

She shook her head, and covered her mouth with her hand, preventing sobs. I hug her tightly comforting her. I rub her back with my chubby hand.

"(Y/n)...it's a good thing we don't have your father in our lives..."

I stop playing when I hear a knock at the door. Melody steps in and looks at me. She looked at me and smiled. It faltered when she saw my face.

Melody P.O.V

(Y/n)'s (e/c) orbs were lifeless. Earlier her music was empty in a way. It was beautiful, but it carried a hint of sadness. I felt pained by hearing her music.

She stood up pushing her chair back. She stretched her limbs with a loud tired yawn. Her eyes still looked lifeless.

I couldn't hold back anymore and say, "what's wrong?" She stared at me before shrugging her shoulder.

"There's nothing wrong? Worry about yourself. " Her tone was distant and forced. This wasn't the (y/n) I knew. She was warm and happy her music never held such pain.

"It's my job as a teacher to work about her student!" I look her straight in her lifeless eyes. "I'll say it again, there is nothing for you to worry about. " She glared at me.

"So, drop it." Her jaw clenched tightly. Her eyes went back to lifeless. Walls were being built around her. They we're going to be knocked down anytime soon.

I just nod and force a smile and suggest, "it's almost spring break. Were all going to sparking waterfall for the break, would you like to come along?"

I wanted her to let down her walls for a while even if it was just for a week. I would like to know the real her. Her eyebroes knited. "All?"

"Kurapika, leorio, killua, Kim, gon, Lizzy, tamaki, and me! It's a great oppertu—!"

"No!"

"Sleep on it please." I give her my best smile. She grabs her bag and quickly walks away. Her footsteps are rushed and angry with sadness.

Reader P. O. V

How dare she inviting my brother without my permission! He'll get hurt I can't live with the thought that he was hurt and I couldn't do anything prevent it. He's my little brother—

Yes, but he deserves a normal life; without my demons hunting me down and hurting everyone around us...this will make him feel more normal.

I take a deep breath the fresh air calming me down. I look around to see the beautiful cherry blossom. "Ah! I've been waiting for you." I heard a gruff say behind me.

The old man from before is sat down on the bench with a smile. "Your heart is hurting, what's wrong." He asked concerned. I looked at him confused how did he know.

My chest clench tighter. It became harder to breathe. "Calm down, you already bottle up your emotions. You're only causing yourself more pain." He said putting his hand up.

He patted the seat beside him. I sat down putting my thing next to me. I breathe in the fresh air as the wind blows. The wind gently blew on my skin cooling it.

"Why don't you open up to me." He said smiling at me. I shook my head. "I can't do that, I don't even know who you are." I explained. He looked down at me and smiled.

"I'm dead, well my name is, Netero. I was the chairman for the hunter association," He paused and smiled widely.

"I died...fighting the king of the ants. You know about it, I see it in your memories." He explain touching my head. I gulp and stand up.

He was crazy. He wasn't dead, he looked alive...looked. This is crazy how can he see memories. Does that mean he can see my past?!

I didn't know I was hyperventilating until he looked panicked. "Calm down, your the only person who can see me. This tree is what keep alive—dead. Both I guess, but it had been years since I talked to anyone. I just wonder around the school messing with equipment." He explained trying to calm down.

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Honestly, what the teachers have their in desks is quiet kinky. Who keep handcuffs and a whip in his desk." He paused and thought.

"Well, I did find in hisoka's desk so no wonder." I stare at him in disgusted.

I didn't need to know that.

"Ah-ha, I'm just kidding....not at all." He muttered the last part but I heard it. He seemed full of life even if he was dead.

"Now then, what is the matter?" He asks.

Could I really trust this geezer? Screw it.

"I........."

Hope y'all enjoyed.