My Only Mistake Was Loving You

(5) Let's talk

Later that night, James came to my bedroom window. We made sure to be as quiet as we possibly could, but also made sure that everyone had been asleep that night. I had gotten the hang of my sibling's work schedule, especially my brother, who worked from 5 in the afternoon to 3 in the morning. I made sure I knew what time my uncle left for work, what time my dad left for work, what time my mother woke up to make them lunch, what time my mother's god-daughter came by to drop off the kids my mom babysat. Everything. We had a short window of time from 1 in the morning to 2 in the morning and again another even shorter window of time from 4 in the morning to 4:45 in the morning, and even then it was risky. I made sure to unscrew the window's screen off and slide it to the other side. I also made sure to tighten the screws that allowed me to open and close my window.

I couldn't believe I was letting him come over. I didn't understand why  I was letting him come over and neither did he, but nonetheless, he did come over.

When he was about halfway, he texted me letting me know where he was. He also didn't fail to add the very important message, "This is your last chance to change your mind. Once I'm past this half-point, I'm not turning back."

I sat up in my bed and fiddled with my phone. I felt the anxiety creep up starting from the pit of my stomach. It crawled through every single one of my organs and it constricted everything. I felt the heat, the cold, that feeling that could only be described by the image of black noise. It didn't feel right. None of it felt right and I did not want to feel like this anymore.

I opened up my messages and texted him.

Me: Don't come over.

James: r u sure?

Me: yea

James: this is your last chance, Emma. Are you sure?

Me: yeah, don't come over.

James: k

Me: don't be mad

James: K

Me: seriously, don't act like that. It just didn't feel right

James: are you kidding?? it didnt FEEL right?

Me: it didn;t what do you want me to do about it????

James: nothing u never do anything

Me: whats that supposed to mean?

James: Nothing. 4get it

Me: u know what, goodnight.

James: night

I turned my phone off and laid back in my bed. I decided I would just wake up early and close the window screen then, but of course, I didn't. I finally was falling asleep when I woke up to my phone vibrating like crazy. It was a call...from James...at 4 in the morning.

I answered the phone, but didn't say anything. All I could hear was laughter on the other line until he finally spoke.

"Hello?"

"Hi," I replied, half asleep if I'm being honest.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Skydiving, can't you tell?" I responded. Nobody likes being woken up at four in the morning for a nice little chat.

Again, I heard laughter, but this one was bitter and laced with venom.

"What did you need, James?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you."

It sounded half slurred and I thought the worst, "Are you drunk?"

Once more, the laughter went through the line, but it wasn't just his.

"Who else is there?"

"Wow, this is the most you've talked to me all week."

"Yeah, well, it's not like that's what you actually wanted to do last night."

"You think I wanted to do something else? Like what?"

"I don't know, James. Can I sleep now?"

"No, tell me what you thought we were going to do last night," he demanded. The dominance in his voice made me feel a little funny.

"I don't know," I answered sincerely.

"You must have some idea," he said, his voice lower and deeper, "tell me, Emma."

Silence consumed me. I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. My mouth went dry and regardless of how many times my mouth opened and closed, nothing came out.

"I wasn't going to ask you to have sex with me, Emma. You're way to innocent for that. I don't want to taint you. I see you like...Like a little sister."

I felt a pang in my chest. I felt the water begin to trail down my cheek. I hadn't even felt the buildup in my eye because it had been so instantaneous.

His little sister.

I sniffled, but soon realized he was still on the other line.

"Emma? Emma, are you crying?"

"No, let me go to sleep. Goodnight." I said quickly and hung up the phone.

That was convincing enough.

He didn't know I was crying. He can't.

Thinking back, I think this was the night that I realized I had already developed feelings for him. Feelings that I confused for those of love. I thought I was falling in love with James.