unholy (joshler)

chapter thirteen

"So, you've got a boyfriend?" Josh laughs lightly, nervously, and nods.

"Yeah."

"I didn't know you...I mean okay...He's lovely." Ashley is beyond scared, wiping her palms on her jeans and fidgeting. She's ready for his outburst, for him to let it all out.

And Josh knows that, and he's really not that sorry to disappoint.

He's done being angry. It seemed that when Laura left a couple of hours prior all of his resentment went with her.

Sure, he doesn't think Ashley should of left. And yeah, he's a bit bitter that she hasn't called. But it's a two way street, the phone works both ways after all.

"Yeah, he really is." It's silent for a moment and Josh looks to the kitchen where Tyler and Jason currently sit talking. "Jason seems great too. You look happy."

Her eyes are as wide as saucers, she looks relieved.

"Thank you. Really Josh, thank you." He smiles gently and takes her hand.

"Don't thank me. I'm your brother it's what I do."

-

"Here, let me." Its that next morning, a Sunday, and Tyler is buttoning up Josh's shirt.

He'd come into the room a few minutes prior, having slept on the couch. Cindy wouldn't let him sleep with Josh, for understandable reasons, and the boys silently agreed to stray from mentioning that they share a bed at Tyler's house.

Josh lets his boyfriend button up the nice dress shirt he's been wearing every Sunday for the last couple of weeks. He enjoys having Tyler this close, even when it's for something so nonchalant and simple.

His eyes are droopy from lack of sleep, his lips are chapped and his hair is greasy but Josh still thinks he's absolutely stunning.

"Stop starring." Tyler says suddenly, uncomfortable, as he finishes fixing the shirt.

"Sorry. You're just super pretty." The boy scoffs and sits at the edge of Josh's bed.

"Pretty? I look horrible. I haven't slept properly in weeks and i haven't showered in three days." Josh shrugs and takes a seat next to him.

"You're still pretty to me." Tyler turns his head to give him that messy half smile, that damn messy half smile, and intertwines their fingers.

"Have I told you how lucky I am?" Josh flushes red and rolls his eyes, trying his hardest to make it seem like he's not melting under Tyler's touch.

"Once or twice."

"Here, let me tell you again." Josh laughs.

"Or you could kiss me." Tyler's eyes twinkle, a forgotten site.

"That works too."

You know that feeling when you're super cold and you get under a blanket that's fresh out of the drier? That's how it feels to be kissed by Tyler Joseph.

His lips hook onto yours and you can feel where they're chapped but it's a good feeling, you know he's real.

His hands find caves on your hips as he smiles against you and you can literally feel the Earth spinning-

once, twice, three times and his tongues in your mouth.

Josh has always found the idea of kissing a gross one. Some else's spit mixing with your own, what if you've just eaten? But right now, with Tyler so close, sharing the same air, he can't help but find it addicting.

He's sad when Tyler pulls away.

"Up and at em Joshua. My parents need us there a bit early.

-

"-and to that we pray to our heavenly Father above, amen."

"Amen."

Josh trials behind Tyler as they leave the pews, breaking off from the Joseph family when they get to the doors in the back.

It's now that Josh awkwardly stands to the side, letting each citizen pass as they shake the owners hands and make their leave.

This is usually a ten minute process so Josh decides to take a bathroom break.

The men's room is empty and as the boy takes in his appearance, messy brown curls and crinkle cut eyes, he throws some cold water onto his face.

He feels suffocated.

Despite everything Josh has done to be a child of God he still feels like he did three months ago. Like a helpless, knowledge-less kid who doesn't know a single verse.

Expect now he knows many, Philippians 4:6, Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6:33, but he still feels like an imposter.

He doesn't feel God. Not his presence, not his 'holy word'. Church is just another place to spend his time, and heaven seems like a fairy tale.

Contrary to that Josh knows God is real. He sees it in everyday miracles, in children being born, in Tyler.

So what's wrong? Is it him? Is he incapable of feeling the Lord?

"Josh?" He looks up to find Tyler standing in the door way, his face understanding and sympathetic.

Josh leans off the sink and tries to smile.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?" Of course Tyler sees right threw him, he always does.

"I'm just..I don't know." Josh can see Tyler thinking, calculating, trying to solve the mystery that is his boyfriend hiding in the church bathroom.

"Yes you do. Tell me." He sits atop one of the sinks and pulls Josh between his legs. He feels weird being close like this in such a place but brushes it off.

"I just... I don't feel it yet, ya know?" Tyler's brows draw together as he hears this.

"Feel what?" Josh flushes red and shrugs as he watches his vans tap against the floor.

"God. Holy I guess." When Tyler doesn't respond Josh looks up at him. He's confused, staring at Josh before he suddenly smiles.

"Josh, you don't feel it, I mean sure you can but you'll never feel God right next to you the way you feel me." To put emphasis on his statement Tyler shoves Josh's shoulder a bit.

Josh is bewildered.

"I know that! But won't I ever feel the change? Won't I finally be able to feel holy?" Tyler's smile morphs into one of sadness as he shakes his head no. Josh frowns deeply. "Oh."

"Are you disappointed?"

"A little." He answers honestly before smiling. "But it's okay. Come on let's go." He pulls Tyler away from the bathroom, his smile happy but in all honesty he's more disappointed than anything else.

Maybe he's always been a child of God.