Nat being Nat

who am I? where am I?

who am I? Am I just the Asian teenage girl that the whole world can see? Am I just the slightly odd one in a crowd of my peers? Am I just the grass upon the pavement, an annoyance, a though that gets drowned out by millions of voices and worries? or am I more than what I seem to be?

"who am I?": a question that can't be answered fully until the day you take your last breath; and the response answered with experiences, memories and emotions that have been gathered throughout your lifetime. I am still pacing the path I called my life's journey, striding along confidently at times, and regressing sometimes. Life is full of ups and downs, and my highs soar towards the stars  while my lows take me to rock bottom. Some people may think my life is a nauseous roller coaster ride, and I guess they're right. I just try my best to enjoy my time at the peaks before the impending drop, and cross my fingers that I will survive the fall.

But that's the thing about life, it isn't just sunshine and rainbows. there's always going to be rainy days (or months) and seemingly never-ending nights. sadness is inevitable and suffering is always right behind you, ready to beat you down. but that's okay, because 'everybody hurts', everyone has bad days. I, personally, have had tons of those, and I've realized that the best way to cope is to embrace the sorrow, and channel my misery into poems, songs, or even writings like this. I'm quite fine right now, but my creativity flows especially in the darkest of times. as Moriarty from the BBC series Sherlock once said, "you always feel [the pain], but you don't have to fear it." pain is good .it proves that you are alive.

Anyway, back to the main point of this composition. I am Natalie, age 15, black hair, yellow skin, and I enjoy long walks on the beach. who am I kidding? there isn't much to say about myself, honestly. if my life were made into a film, not even tumbleweeds would bother rolling pass. I'll just try to vomit some words out for the sake of completing my task. I am insane, there is no denying of that. I have binge watched seven TV shows in the summer holidays, not to mention the countless hours of strolling on the internet and YouTube. I've watched hundreds of videos on astronomy, physics, chemistry and psychology, so I guess that makes me a nerd as well. I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, but I will procrastinate for days on matters I deem pointless, like eating, or sleeping, or studying for EPA (I am very happy that that's out of the way now).

Speaking of subjects, I have never been happier to be at school; studying the three subjects I adore, and having two of my best and only friends by my side every weekday. this brings me on to my next point, my social life. simply put, I don't have much of one, which is quite sad. but we shouldn't be sad because sad reversed is 'das' and 'das' not good.

I've been in a whirlpool of jumbled up thoughts, and hobbies, aspirations, and internet memes for so long, I am lost in every way possible. this includes in the real world because every street looks the same. this means that the question "where am I" won't be answered until I sort my life out, which I'd probably procrastinate on doing till I'm six feet underground.

Now I present to you a song that's been stuck in my head the whole day thanks to the title of this writing- Credo. "who am I? who shall I become? who am I to dare to dream that I may be the one who will change the world? who will make a difference? who will reach beyond the stars?" I find the song very relatable. i keep doubting myself, convincing myself that I can't make a difference in the world. I want to know who I am going to be, and I desperately want to be able to leave a mark so I won't be forgotten after just a few generations. Oblivion is scary. you're basically thinking about what it is like to not think, to not exist. I'm afraid of missing out on humans traveling to distant stars, or having fully automated transportation, or even unraveling the mysteries of dark energy and dark matter. that is the problem of our tiny life spans. what is the purpose of existing or the point in doing anything if you're just going to die in the end? I'm going to stop this train of thought here because I don't want to have an existential crisis on a Monday.

And that's who I am! A cluster of despair, weirdness, hope, childlike wonder, internet addiction, deep thoughts, and poop jokes. I am a mess, but I try my best.

~~~

a writing for my English class
12 Sept 2016