Letters to Chen

The Nineteenth Letter

Dear Chen,

Are you angry at me? That must be why you don't want want to talk to me...

But I want to explain. 

The first month without your letters was silent. I had to let my parents calm down first; I had to calm down. 

The third month was distant. I put on an even more reserved front. I talked even less to my parents and classmates.

The fifth month was suffocating. We only exchanged a few letters, so why did you leave such an effect on me?

By the sixth month, the last straw was broken. I confronted my parents and forced my opinion on them. You were the one who was always there for me no matter how childish I was. Which one of us would benefit from being apart?

That night was the longest and most uncertain. However, they understood, and now I hope you do as well.

My explanation is finished. Please, understand,

Yoojin.

Dear Yoojin,

You're too sensitive. Calm down. You have to realize that I wasn't angry at you. How can I be angry at you? 

But your explanation was so complete and so relatable. It made me realize my faults during those 6 letter-less months. 

It'll take all of my pride to say this, but...I gave up too easily. I didn't persevere enough to break your walls and fight for our friendship.

The day I read your letter saying we couldn't talk anymore, I lay down on my bed to think. What would my days be without my beloved pen pal? 

I couldn't think of any answer. It was blank. I was blank. 

For the succeeding months, I realized, I didn't know what to do. When I was stressed because of my workload, I couldn't write to you. When my gentle sister burst out in anger after I hid her duck toy, I couldn't explain myself to anyone (to you). When I didn't know what I was doing with my life, I was left with no one who could listen to me.

When half a year without you was nearing, I realized that I needed our exchange of letters. I realized that I needed to convince your parents that I was harmless; I needed to convince them that I needed...you. I still don't understand what I'm feeling, but I can't change my emotions.

And then you wrote back before I could take the train. This is a complete understatement, but I think I had the biggest grin in the world right then. I wasn't at all angry, just too shock and guilty to say what I really wanted.

Oh, and this must be our longest letter to each other :)

Chen.