I Love Rock And Roll, But I Love You More (Jardougall)

The Ocean

I'm just waiting for the walls of my insides to come clean. I've been praying for the day that my spirit is finally free. Some days it feels like the ocean lies inside of me.

Trigger warning maybe: Small mentions of depression and anxiety. Probably a mention of physical abuse and rape.

*Tay's POV*

What the fuck is going on with me? The past few days I haven't been feeling so happy. I know it's nothing to do with Jenna because they're a good person who treats me right.

Honestly at this point I'm actually used to this; me getting random spouts of depression.

Like just when I'm becoming happy, I just get sad because of something.

The problem though is that recently nothing happened that is causing me to be sad. Thankfully my boss understands that I've needed a few days off because of my depression.

During that time that I've taken off of work, I've been trying to work on some music and just listening to music.

Of course I've been going to band practice because the band can't really practice any of the songs without me there.

The thing that sucks though is that I get really depressed and yet very anxious which makes me pisssed off.

Thankfully my fiancee has come to visit me every day after school the past couple of days.

I really love them. They're just a really understanding person.

*Jenna's POV*

I feel real bad for Tay.

Seriously. She hasn't been coming to school the past few days due to depression for the most part, partially because of the anxiety.

Like how are you supposed to focus on work if you can't focus on anything mentally?

Something that kind of pisses me off about some people is how there are people who can't understand that when you mentally cannot focus, that you just need a bit of time before you get back to reality.

"Hey Jenna. You feeling okay dude?" Andy had politely asked.

"Yeah I'm just concerned about Tay. You know, with her not being at school because of her anxiety and depression."

When I went to go visit her after school, I couldn't find her until I heard a sound from her upstairs and ran up there, shouting, "Tay!"

I found her in the bathroom with a bleeding hand from punching her bathroom window.

"What the fuck is happening?" I had asked calmly.

She came up to me crying and I pulled her in for a hug.

After a couple of minutes, I had said, "We're gonna call your doctor to get an appointment tomorrow, but tonight we're going to my house to and you are staying with me for the night in my room."

She nodded her head while she was crying.

"So what exactly caused you to cut yourself babe?"

"I don't know hon. It might have been a memory that I was remembering from when my father was around in my childhood."

"Is it the memory that I think that you're talking about? The one where your father raped you? Or is it the memory of when he physically abused you between 13 and 17."

She nodded and said, "Both."

"Alright. I'm gonna get some clothes packed for you for the night and some other things if there is anything else that you want to bring with you."

"You know, I'm honestly really glad that I have you. You're a really amazing person and sometimes I question why you went for somebody like me."

"Because I love you and I really care about you."

After that, we got some of her clothes packed up.

*22 hours later*

"Hello Ms. Jardine. So what's going?"

"I've just been feeling really depressed the past couple of days and my fiance came to my house to check on me yesterday and they found me in the bathroom punching at the mirror until my hand was bleeding."

The doctor looked at me and asked me, "Are you the fiance?" and I answered yes.

"So what exactly is wrong with me?"

"It's not that there's anything wrong with you, it's just that it sounds like you might either have gender dysphoria, borderline personality disorder or both by the sounds of it. But I will find a psychiatrist for you that is willing to work with you for free to get you tested for both GID and BPD."

By the looks of it, Tay looked really depressed at the sound of her possibly having GID, BPD or both even.