So This Is Love

Trance

 Dear Kitty,

Hi. You must be wondering why I’m writing you these letters. Well, I guess I can start with that. I decided to start these a week or two after we started dating. I think it would be a nice anniversary gift. So, I started writing. I don’t exactly know what to write I’m just writing. I guess I’ll start with the day that we first met. That fateful night at the end of summer party. It wasn’t my first time there. I’ve been going every year. I don’t know if you’ve been going for these past years. I haven’t noticed you until that night. That one night. I saw you sitting there and you looked seriously pissed off. I was there with my friends and I saw you. I told them I’d be right back. I told them I’d be right back. They were too drunk or high off ecstasy to even remotely care about what I was saying. Then I walked. I thought about what I was going to say to you while I walked. Then I heard you ask for something stronger. I don’t know what got into me, but something did. My mouth had a mind of its own. Then I offered you and your friend some of my drugs. And everything from there just changed. When we went up to the roof I admired the way you moved. The way you were… just so free, so happy. It was great. Then you kissed me. I felt something… I don’t know how to explain it. Just the way our lips felt against each other’s. Then I felt guilty. Almost instantly. I knew you were upset. I think you just got into fight, probably with your boyfriend. I took advantage of you. I know you don’t believe that. I know you are thinking that I didn’t know what was going on and it’s not my fault. Well, you can’t stop me from thinking it. After that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Soon after I went back to school and just stopped thinking about everything. I just stopped.  That was, until I decided I wanted to try something new. Switch into a… public school. (queue gasp now). Public school was something unheard of in my world. It is the definition of social suicide. Unless… unless you were, well… me. I could literally do whatever the fuck I pleased. That’s just how well off my family’s status is. I can do anything without the thought of committing “social suicide” because it’s impossible. I was just so tired of my stupid school and everyone in it. I needed a fresh start and what a better place to do it than the local public school. There I could be anything I wanted. There I could have a fresh start. There I could run away from my parent’s name and status. What I ended up becoming was the mysterious bad boy. The person no one knew about. The person everyone wanted to know, but for a different reason other than my parents. Then I saw you. In the classroom that very first morning when our eyes met. I knew you remembered, expect you didn’t at the same time. You knew except you didn’t. I decided to just leave you alone. You clearly had a life and I had no reason to meddle in it. I mean we only met once. So, I left you. Until Mr. Mets assigned you to me as guide. That’s what I called fate. If that isn’t, then I don’t know what is. When you ran after me after class it was so adorable with all your stuttering and all. You were just too darn cute. I just. At this point I knew you were in a relationship. I couldn’t… I couldn’t get involved with you. But you kept coming. And I kept wanting you to. And to top it all off we got assigned to be art partners. That was icing on the cake. At that point I knew we could be anything more than friends, but I was perfectly ok with being friends. I just felt the need to get to know you. You were so interesting. Nothing like the girls at my other school. You were a breath of fresh air. And I will always love that about you. Of the course of these next few letters you are going to learn some things… like I love you.

Love yours,

Chase

Warm tears flowed rapidly down my face. I folded up the letter and placed it back in its envelope. I’ve been sitting in my room for days now, just staring at the box. Staring. Wondering when or if the pain is every going to go away. I know it’ll be a while. I wasn’t going to get over Chase in a few days. I love him. And since the funeral I have been in a trance. My mom comes at the same times each day- 8:20, 1:20, and 5:20- to give me food. I eat. To satisfy, not my mom, but Amy. She worries. She worries about me. She thinks I’m going to do something to myself. I try to tell her that I will never leave her. I can’t leave her. Not forever anyways. I’m just taking a break. I need a break. I need a break to heal. I need a break to get things back to normal. To get things back to where they belong. It’s not going to be the same without Chase. I can’t think of a world without Chase. I love him. The floor was hard against my butt and the wall was cold against my back. I could feel body going numb. As if it wasn’t already numb. My whole body, my whole soul was numb. Everything is nothing. I feel nothing anymore. Nothing. I looked over at the box of letters. I looked and looked and looked. I just can’t… I just can’t will myself to read anymore. Maybe I’m afraid of what I’m going to find out. Some deep dark secret that I can’t handle.