absolutely wonderful [joshler]

trois

"well," the gruff doctor says, looking up from his computer. "we've got good news and bad news."

my mother's grip tightens on my hand.

"let's hear the bad news first, then," she says, her voice wavering.

i hope it's not news that i'm dying. i ate all the pocky in the car.

"the invasion is still confined to the respiratory system."

thanks, doctor-whose-name-i-can't-remember. tell us something we don't know.

"that's it?" i ask. "that's the bad news?"

he closes the lid of his laptop. "pretty much. the current drugs you're on aren't decreasing the amount of cells." the doctor reaches across the desk and takes a sheet of paper out of one of the drawers. "which leads us to the good news."

"this is a recently approved targeted treatment drug. i'm not going to even try to pronounce the name, but it's supposed to isolate cancer cells and kill them. and, i think the part you'll like about this one, is that in most of the clinical trials, there's been no hair loss."

the doctor hands the paper to my mother and watches her expression.

"does it really work?" she asks.

"it's been effective in destroying the invasion in 77% of all patients."

"and it's an injection?" i ask. i hate needles, even though i go to the hospital every two weeks to get a shot.

"no, actually. it's a pill."

my eyes widen. "i want this."

my mother lets out a shaky laugh. "as long as his hair doesn't fall out, i'm fine with it."

i've been lucky with the whole hair loss deal. i'm in the five percentile or whatever that doesn't experience hair loss. it's the one thing that's made me look normal. aside from my cannula, you probably can't tell i have cancer.

the doctor folds his hands. "you'd be one of the first families to try this out, so this treatment might not work-"

"i still want to do it," i interject. "what do i have to lose?"

my mother's eyes say "you," but she already looks so on the verge of tears. god, she does this every time, cries and gets emotional over me. her doctor put her on eyedrops because she loses so much water or whatever.

and that's that. the doctor and my mother talk about insurance for the new medicine and then we're out of the tight office at last.

jay's out in the hall, and perks up when he hears the door open.

"you guys were short this time," he says, standing up and shoving his hands in his pockets.

"yeah," i confirm. "signed onto a new medicine plan."

"are you getting better?"

am i?

i don't know.

"i hope so."

this seems to please my younger brother, and he goes back to playing flappy bird on his phone. he almost runs into a few monitors on the way out, but we manage to get him and his phone into the car.

i check my phone for the first time in an hour and see i've gotten a text from josh.

josh: hey, i know we just met but do you want to come over? i'm super bored

josh sent that text forty-five minutes ago.

me: sorry, i've been at a doctor's appointment

my mother looked across to me and down at my phone. "who's that you're texting? ooh, is it josh?"

i narrow my eyes. "yes, it is. keep your eyes on the road, please, mom."

she throws one of her hands up in protest but looks back to the road. "tell me what he's saying!"

"mom!"

"you're not sexting, are you?"

my cheeks flush red. "no, of course not! what kind of question is that?"

"what's sexting?" jay asks from the backseat.

"well, you see sweetie-"

"mom!" i screech. "he's only twelve!"

and that's how the rest of the car ride goes. josh didn't text back, which left me wondering what he was up to. oh, that's right, he's probably doing all that math homework that i'm exempt from.

i'm already comfortable in my bed at home and have been for over thirty minutes when he finally texts back.

josh: oh. how did that go?

me: fine

me: i'm gonna be on a new drug, which is p neat

josh: great, i hope it helps :)

josh: sorry it took so long to answer, i had some homework to do

josh: oh, and you can't come over, we've got some house guests over for a dinner party or whatever

me: okay

josh: i'm sorry if i got your hopes up, i'll see if you can come over tomorrow or something

me: that's alright

me: i'll binge watch grey's anatomy or something

josh: alright, have fun o

me: o?

josh: like xoxo, but without the x

me: ah

me: virtual hug accepted

i sigh for what must be the fifteenth time today. i feel bad that we couldn't hang out, but besides being tired, i don't want to socialize right now. or ever.