absolutely wonderful [joshler]

quatre

my alarm clock scares the crap out of me. i almost rip my cannula out of my nose in an attempt to turn it off. i liked it better when i was younger and my mother shook me awake.

my morning routine is the same every morning: wake up, detach myself from the breathing machine, hook back up to my oxygen tank, slip on a shirt and pants, go into the bathroom and spend ten minutes making sure i haven't lost any hair, eat breakfast, and then leave for school.

the only change is walking to the bus stop. my mother drove me yesterday, and i'm close to being late today because i underestimated the time it takes me to walk to the bus.

anyways, once i'm on the bus, i check my phone. i yet again have another text from josh.

josh: good morning :)

me: morning

josh: did you sleep well?

me: yes?

me: no one's ever asked me that? thank you??

josh: the first days are always stressful, just checking up on you

me: you don't have to

josh: it's called being nice

josh: and you deserve to know what that is, because i know not everyone's shown you that

me: god, you're going to make me sick from smiling too much.

and i am smiling. josh is the nicest person on earth. imagine if he stabbed me in the back later...

nope. not going to think about that now.

i need a positive hardcore thursday, because thursdays are the longest days of the week for me. they're always so boring that i need motivation to get through the day.

i think josh got off his bus, because i don't receive anything else from him. soon enough, it's time for me to get off, and when i do, i see josh waiting for me at the front gates of the school.

"heard you smiled because of me today," he says, walking up to me.

i nod.

"that's a sign you're learning to trust me."

i open my mouth and the words start rushing out. "that sounds like some psychiatrist crap." was that too harsh? i correct myself. "i mean, it sounds like you've been-"

"nah, it's nothing that deep. i used to have a friend who didn't talk much. i've learned a lot from him."

"oh." i shift my weight from one leg to the other. "what do you usually do in the morning?"

josh chuckles. it's a sound i've never heard before, and i like it. makes my eardrums vibrate, or whatever happens when sound enters the body. at least i try to make myself sound smart.

"nothing much. but today, i want to learn about you."

a lump rises in my throat. he wants to talk about my cancer. which i should be fine with, since i've explained this to dozens of teachers. but for some reason, it feels different talking to josh.

"i-i want to learn about you, too," i croak out.

josh grins, leading me to a grassy area near the cafeteria. i sit down next to him and lean against my backpack.

"is it okay for me to ask about you? like, your treatment?"

i nod.

josh looks at me. "tell me if i'm making you uncomfortable, yeah?"

i nod again.

"oh, gosh. how long have you had cancer?"

"um, it's been over a year now, i think," i say, looking down at my legs. josh's deep brown eyes are too much for me.

"and it hasn't gone away?"

"clearly," i snort. "it's only in my lungs, though, it hasn't spread anywhere else."

"that's good, isn't it?"

"cancer isn't a good thing, josh, regardless if it's spreading or not."

i meet his eyes again, and this time, they look sad.

"i'm sorry," i say softly. "i know what you mean."

"no, i wasn't thinking about what i was saying. it's my fault," josh insists. "if you don't want to talk about this anymore, we don't have to."

my breath hitches in my throat. why was talking about this suddenly so hard for me? what happened to my positive hardcore thursday?

"yeah, i'd think i'd like that," i manage. "i'm sorry, this is just difficult today."

"tell me when you're ready. it won't make me like you any less if you don't want to tell me."

this boy, i swear to god.