absolutely wonderful [joshler]

strike one

jay's game has long since finished up, the ride back filled with a cold silence. but that doesn't matter now, because josh and i are laying on my bed, continuing what we had to abandon back at the game. and god, it feels so good to have someone next to me, someone like josh.

josh is facing me, his forehead touching mine, eyes closed, and hands wrapped around my own. we've been here for ages, and i was pretty sure he was asleep until he breaks the silence between us.

"tyler?" he says, lips only inches away from my face.

"yeah?"

"i-i want to tell you something."

i open my eyes and look at josh, his cheeks turning pink.

"i love you."

it's my turn to turn pink, my heart nearly fluttering out of my rib cage.

"and i know that we only met a few days ago, and you aren't proud of who you are, but god knows i am, and i love every single bit of you."

"r-really?" i whisper.

"always," he says, closing the gap between our lips.

the kiss is slow and passionate, to say the least. josh doesn't try to shove his tongue in my mouth, no, he simply kisses me, and it's amazing.

"tyler," he says after a while, disconnecting our lips, much to my dismay. "is this okay? i don't want to-"

"this is spectacular." i breathe.

"c'mere." josh pulls me even closer, letting me snuggle my head into his chest. he kisses the top of my head and rubs my back, and oh-

"josh," i murmur. "i think i love you, too."

_______

i wake up, hearing a sound that sends chills down my bones.

a heart monitor.

opening my eyes, i confirm my worst nightmares. i'm in a hospital bed, and i don't think it's for a good reason. i look around and see that josh is sitting in a chair next to the bed.

"j-josh?" i ask groggily. he seems to snap out of a dazed state and looks at me, tear streaks littering his cheeks. "what happened?"

"oh g-god, tyler. y-you were sleeping n-next to me a-and your c-cannula disconnected f-from your t-tank s-somehow and-" josh lowers his voice to a whisper, voice cracking a bit, "you s-stopped breathing." he wipes tears away, hands shaking as he does so. "you almost d-died tyler, and it w-was all m-my fault."

i don't know what to say. i mean, i really could have died, and i'm thankful that josh or whoever noticed and got help. this isn't my first death scare. i've had plenty others, but what hurts about this one is that josh had to experience it.

"come here," i coax, holding my hands out for josh. he gets up from his seat and takes them, kneeling down beside me.

"this is never your fault, josh," i say. "if the air tube got disconnected, that means it's not sealed right or something. we can buy a new one."

"b-but that costs m-money and-"

"josh. money isn't an issue; insurance pays for everything. besides, if it was a faulty line, then i would have eventually found out, and you might not have been there that time." i squeeze his hands. "this is not your fault. if anything, i should be thanking you."

josh nods, taking his hand out of mine to wipe tears away.

i scooch over on the bed a bit, leaving a josh dun sized space next to me. patting the bed, josh gets the message and climbs up next to me. i move the air tube around me, certain that it won't get in the way.

"i-i don't want you to go," he whispers.

i wrap my arms around him and sigh. "i will never leave you," i want to say, but that's a lie. cancer might not be the end of me, but something else inevitably will be.

instead, we sit there, the monitor beeping in the background. it isn't a romantic scene, but it works for me.