My Only Escape

The months before death

Month 1

I am a wallflower
I am alone
What did I do for them to hate me
I'm sorry
Why do you hate me so much
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment
I'm sick of trying
There's days when all I see is blackness
When my feelings disappear
Please someone help
I'm stuck
I don't want to end, I don't want to escape this labyrinth
But the end calls to me, beckons me into the black abyss
I just want peace
Why don't they love me
Why do I try

Month 2

There's days when it's okay, bearable
But then There's days where it's a mission not to black out
To keep out of the darkness
And all I want to do is sleep
It protects me from the darkness people call the mind
I want a day filled with joyful emotions.
I want to be unafraid to show the real me. Not afraid to comment out loud without being judged

Month 3

Why can't you see I'm sick of this life
I want to end this and enter the abyss
Why do you not like me
I try so hard
I created a persona
But still you prefer others to my company
I know I'm horrible and cruel
I try
So hard it hurts
Crying myself to sleep so I can smile through the day
Burning myself to stop myself from the real pain
I don't belong here

Month 4
It's all my fault
If I had stopped him I would have a dad
I carry this burden forever
Hopelessly wishing to go back in time
To die instead of this
I hate being alone as my thoughts haunt me
There are days when I want people to find out the secret to my mind and days when I don't
My ditzy persona slowly cracking
Why am I not deserving of your caring or love
I hate my life at home
So bland and lifeless
Constantly alone awaiting a savour
Please
Someone hear my call

Month 5
Would people ignore it
Would someone help or am I a burden
Why care about others in my situation and not me
The teachers don't know
To them I'm invisible. Not there
They forget my name and tell off others for talking when I talk
Am I a ghost
A lifeless body
Days when I feel like that are the worst
No music can drown this out

No books can transport me to better times
I'm stuck here
I want to be normal..
I want to have a loving family
I want people to care
But most of all I need to end this existence.

I just want to be happy