persia.
The next few days consisted of me driving myself up the wall thinking about Van and then trying not to think about him. And then thinking about trying not to think about him.
I was probably a distant memory to him at this stage, the girl he didn't shag. He'd probably moved on from me, on to another poor lass like me, winking and smiling, staring into your soul with his electric blue eyes.
Kya was so stressed I found a clump of her hair in our drain yesterday. She was trying to design her own line of clothing, a new dream she had just one day out of the blue about three months ago.
Fair play to her though, she kept her part time job in a local vintage clothes shop and still worked at it everyday. The shop is giving her a corner of the store to sell her stuff in, and she's dead excited but also going mad because she wants it all to look perfect.
It was a Tuesday evening, and Janet had invited me over for dinner, a casserole, which I'd usually be thrilled about, but I knew she was going to question me like a police officer because she thought she saw a gleam in my eye.
It was just as I was about to catch the bus, I felt my phone buzz. It was Bondy. Bondy? Why would he be calling?
"Hiya?" I said, a bit unsure.
"Hiya lass, fancy a party Friday night?" He asked, and I heard a shuffling on his end of the phone.
"Eh.. Sure? Where?" I asked, still pretty wary.
"Van and Larry's place, I'll text you the address then, bring a friend if you want."
"Ok, alright thanks." I said, and I went to hang up but then I heard more noise on the other end of the phone, so I put it back up to my ear.
"So she's coming, yeah?" A voice said.
"Yes, Van. She's coming."
"Wicked."
I hung up the phone then. What the fuck just happened? Did I just get invited to a party? What friend would I bring? Couldn't bring Janet, she can't hack things like that anymore. Actually, the most pressing question was, was I going? Like was I actually going to go get dressed up, land on Van's doorstep like some kind of damaged package, expecting him to swoop me up in his arms and take away every shit feeling I've had for the past year? That's how vulnerable I felt. I felt like if this wasn't what I thought it was, then I'd be worse off than I was now. I'd rather have one lad ruin my life than two.
But I guess I told Bondy I would go, and I didn't want to let him down. He was dead nice. You don't come across that often. It would be horrible to disappoint him.
I realised I was going to miss my bus if I didn't make a run for it. So I started to sprint down the road and managed to catch the bus with barely a breath to spare.
Before I even knocked on Janet's door I could smell the casserole. She had a couple of windows open so the smell wafted out into the street. I rang the doorbell and waited for her to open up.
"Hiya Jan!" I said happily.
"Hiya lassie." She replied, stepping back to let me in.
She sat me down in the lounge with a cup of tea and left Tipping Point on for me.
I stared blankly at the TV screen while thinking furiously inside my head.
So did Van ask Bondy to invite me? Or was I just flattering myself thinking he did? My heart raced as I sipped my tea. I was absolutely terrified of the idea of someone showing interest in me. Like what if we go out and they decide I'm actually a horrible person and they hate me but are just too polite to say and I bang on for an hour about pointless shite to impress them and the whole time they're thinking they want to hop off the pier?
I didn't have these thoughts before Jared. I thought that I could make everyone like me and it'd all be swell and dandy and fuck, I thought I'd never have to date anyone else again. I thought he was is. Yes, I was actually that thick.
Instead of showing off my nervous disposition, I put on the whole 'couldn't care less' kind of vibe and it steered everyone off, made them not like me. And it was safe that way. I wasn't letting anyone down and they weren't letting me down.
But that day at the station. I felt almost brand new coming home for our summer house, I felt just like I used to, pre-Jared. I talked to a stranger and ended up becoming his friend. But now, my post-Jared feelings had come back, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to spoil the image the lads had of me, but I wasn't up for trying to be the way I was before for the whole night. It was incredibly hard to do and it got harder every time I did it.
Janet called to tell me the casserole was done and I wandered out into the kitchen, the smell getting stronger as I came closer.
She had two plates set out for the both of us.
I thanked her and sat down.
"So, dear.." She began and I knew I was in for it now, I let her go on.
"What's been going on in that pretty little head of yours?"
"Not a whole lot, Janet." I said and she laughed, I was a bit of an airhead at the best of times.
"Don't play dummy with me, lass. Come on, open this can of beans!" She laughed back.
"Alright, Jan. But you promise you won't think too much about it?" I asked.
"Love, Bake Off is back this week, I have plenty other things to be worried about! The girls at work want us to do our of Great Sainsbury's Bake Off and I want to perfect my banoffee and blow them all away." She gave me a bright smile.
"Good, good."
"So it is a lad then?" She catches on.
"Might be."
"What do you mean, might be? You swinging the other way now? Tis is a lass?
I laughed at her, she was a good one.
"Right, fine! You got me, Janet! It's a lad." I laugh again.
"Brilliant stuff, can't wait to meet him!" She smiles at me.
We chat a bit more about this and that as we eat and afterwards she sets down two cups of tea and gives me a serious look, that's never good.
"Persia, darling." She begins. I inhale deeply.
"I'm glad you're finally getting on, and so I want to let you know this now, you need to quit the job at Sainsbury's, you and I both know that. You need to get out there and start doing something you love again. Don't keep selling yourself short! I've loved having you as the daughter I never had, but I think it's time you move on, and I'll always be here for you, but it's not good for you to be clung onto me like a baby, you're grown a long time, lass. It's time to do something on your own."
I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes, and I looked a Janet, and sure enough she was holding back a few tears too. I knew she was right, that's the worst part. She was completely right. It was probably a lot harder for her to say that than for me to go off and do something with my life. All her life, all she ever wanted was a kid, and now she had me, and she was willing to let me go so I could grow. It's a pity Janet was never a mother, she would make an excellent one.
The next hour was spent with me promising to quit tomorrow, and do something; anything, with my life. A fresh start, a new beginning. Me showing interest in someone, meant I was moving on, and it was time to move the rest of my life on too.
I left Janet's house with a bittersweet feeling, deep in my stomach. It'd be a whole before I was back there again. She hugged a big bear hug at the door and I walked to the bus stop in deep thought. Funny how one thing happening can set off a series of things, don't they call that the butterfly effect or something like that?
