persia.
The cold air from the window fans my face gently as I look out onto the skyline outside.
It's almost three in the morning, and I sit awake, contemplating. I had told Van that my going away wasn't set in stone, but in my head it was.
The world is so huge, and for almost my whole life I always thought it wasn't quite as big as it was. I used to never even want to leave Wales, but now almost every second here was a countdown to going away again.
I had my little world, my friends, my family, and then along came Jared. He had a hard time convincing me to even consider moving away from Wales, but I loved Manchester in the end. I don't anymore, and the second he left I knew I had to too. It wasn't the same place after he left, so I came back.
I lived in Amsterdam, and then I had travelled with Tristan's girlfriend through Spain and France, staying in hostels and places like that. Her and Tristan had split up and she rang me one night to ask me to go away with her. The two of us had gotten along so well that I decided to tell her I would.
We used to clean so we could stay in the hostels and then we'd make extra money helping pick produce from fields. I never thought I'd see myself doing that, in fact I didn't know it was even an option. But once I realised how easy it was to keep travelling I didn't really want to stop. I didn't want to stay in one place, I guess a part of me was afraid of going back to the way I was if I settled down.
My phone flashes and illuminates the room, I pick it up with confusion. Who would be texting me at this hour?
Van.
Van?
Why was he awake?
I read the text.
'Fancy a drive?'
I text back.
'Its three in the morning? What if I'm asleep?'
'Im outside your block. I can see you in the window, pleaseeeeeeeeee come.'
'Fine.'
I throw on random clothes that were on the ground and grab my phone and keys.
I still was confused as to why he was awake at such an ungodly hour, and why he decided to spin by to check if I was awake too.
It was really chilly out, I shivered as I exited the stairway and the wind hit me full on.
Van was leaned up against his car like some Danny Zuko lookalike.
"'Ello." He smiles, the bottom half of his face and the top half were at war. The bottom was smiling, but his eyes were sunken, as if he was tired. If he was tired, he clearly didn't want to be asleep.
"Hey, uh, did you plan to come by or was this spontaneous?" I question.
"I'm going to tell you it was spontaneous but really I was planning to go by in hopes you were awake, and shockingly enough, you're just as stupid as me and you were." His face was still two separate parts- the smiling mouth and the sunken eyes.
"You're lucky, usually I'm not awake at this time."
He opens the passenger side door to let me into his car. I thank him and he runs around the back to get in the other side himself.
"Where to?" I ask.
"Not Benji's again, the two of you get on too well for my liking."
"Well it's not my fault we both like guitars, especially bass guitars."
"Well I like guitars too, but bloody fucking hell the two of you talked about them non stop for two hours, even Bondy had nothing left to say about them."
We both laughed. He put the keys into the ignition.
The night was bright and clear. The streetlights illuminated everything in a deep orange, distorting the colour and making everything almost the same shade.
A CD played softly in the car, breaking the silence. The roads we drove were familiar, and had memories attached to them. The countless times I had been going places, these were the roads we took to get there. The familiarity was a welcome feeling, but not near as comforting as the feeling of anonymity which was one I had become acquainted with on my travels.
Van spoke up over the sound of the CD, but barely louder, as if he didn't really want me to hear what he was saying.
"You're not going to stay, are you?"
"I never said that."
"I know, but you didn't have to."
I sigh, because I don't know what to tell him.
"I know that your world is bigger than mine, 'cause you've been to all these great places I'll probably never get the chance to see, but this world is just as good as that one. You see your friends, have a laugh, and at the end of the day you come home. It doesn't sound like all that much, but that's the best part of it. It's so simple, and that's how you know it's good."
I listen, I try to take in what he says. But I remember all those mornings when I got to see the sun rise. You'd have to leave dead early if you were picking from the fields, it'd still be dark when you were getting up. But the sun rise was always my favourite thing. I had only seen a handful of sunrises here, and they weren't anywhere close to the ones in Spain and France.
The CD plays without interruption again, this time the silence was a bit more hesitant. I didn't want him to convince me to stay but at the same time I did. I didn't know if I wanted simple or if I wanted free. And it was an impossible choice to make.
I roll down the window, and pull out a fag. I barely smoked when I was travelling, mostly because I never really had the money to. But back here, it seemed like I had fallen back into old habits. And if I fall back into all of my old habits, smoking will be the least of my worries.
