C H A N G E

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Just Breathe. Inhale, Exhale.
Breathing is such an easy concept it's something you do without thinking, but all of a sudden in front of a crowd of people breathing feels like one of the hardest things to do. Everyone is looking at me with their excited faces, waiting to hear some ecstatic news. When in reality I am about disappoint everyone in this room and outside it. I fiddle with the rings on my fingers waiting for the crowd to quiet down to hear my weak voice through the microphone.

"Riley! Riley! What's your big announcement?"
"Is it another tour?"
"Are you pregnant?"
"Is there a new album."

These questions that are being shouted at me bring my anxiety up to a new level. I can't say it. I can't disappoint them like this. I don't want them to hate me. What would my mother think of this? My mind is racing a hundred miles an hour. What do I say? What do I say?

"No." I speak into the microphone quickly. The audience immediately goes quiet their faces overwhelmed with confusion. I have to do it quickly, rip it off like a band aid.

"No. I'm not going on tour again any time soon, no I am not pregnant and no there is no new album. I have set up this Press Conference to tell you all that I will be taking a break from the music industry for a while now. I need to take some time off to deal with some personal issues. I hope you can understand that I need to deal with my health and wellbeing and that means taking a break. Thank you, my agent will be answering any further questions you have." I say ignoring what I have written down in front of me to say. I then get up and walk out of the room.

"It's been just over a year since Riley Jenner signed to the Universal Music group and became an international sensation. But now she has taken a break from Music. Shock, Horror how will we live without a Riley Jenner's voice? But don't worry guys we don't think this break will be indefinite a source close to her has told us that she is dealing with a Depression disorder, so don't worry she will be back one day. In the meantime get better boo." The host of some mainstream radio show voice booms through the speakers of my car radio. What they say is true, however I don't think I'll be getting back to music as quick as they think I will. The media have no clue about my personal life.

They don't know that it has been nearly three years since my mother died of breast cancer, they don't know that it has been nearly two years since the love of my life left me crying in my apartment. They don't know about the second love of my life and what happened. They have no fucking clue. That I was suffering behind each and every smile I put on during every concert. That a tear would drip from my tired eyes every time I sang that one song.

Right now as I sit here at a red light behind a dozen cars, I can think of a million reasons why to cry at this moment. I press my head against the steering wheel in frustration accidently honking the car in front of me. I lift my head up and stare off into the horizon aimlessly until cars start honking me. I drive forward slowly. Getting stuck at the same set of lights except I am at the front this time. Of course I can't even get through traffic without fucking it up.

"Write in your journal everyday. I know you don't want to it but you have to okay I have made it officially apart of you treatment plan." That is what Dr Anderson said at last week's session. I reluctantly pull out a pen and my jade journal.

'Dear Diary,
Its me Riley Jenner officially a musician on a break. I don't think my fans are very happy. I don't think anyone is very happy about this decision not even myself. I just need this break. I just need to get better. And if I have taken a break hopefully nothing else can happen. I just can't stop thinking of my mother, Brandon and Jakob. Mostly Jakob though. He won't leave my head. And I swear if I lose another person I will lose my mind. I will go completely and utterly insane if I lose another person. Why bad things happen to good people. Even when I ask myself that I also ask if I am actually a good person still. I just feel worthless and depressed. Maybe that's just the fact that I didn't take my pills speaking. I know I should take them but I forget because I'm too busy drowning in my sorrows. Oh see here I go again sound like some Emo Fourteen year old girl who just broke up with her boyfriend. Anyway I'm going to go take those pills and have a cup of tea.
- Riley Jenner'

I chuck my journal under the bed and shove the pen in my nightstand. I walk slowly through my new apartment going past all of the boxes full of the contents of my life. I turn on the kettle and grab my laptop out of a box that is sitting on the kitchen table. I have one more thing on my list to do today. I quickly enter the University of Florida's Website and start the tidiest application process.

I may have taken a break from music but that doesn't mean I will do nothing until I feel better. Dr Anderson said I have to take baby steps for my recovery, well I have decided to start the baby steps off with a giant leap. It has taken myself weeks to convince myself to go university my mind kept battling with itself. I kept questioning myself. I kept doubting myself.
Will I be smart enough to even get a medical degree?
How can I focus on work if all I think about is Jakob?
What if people start to hate for giving up on music?
What if no one likes me and I'm alone?
What if I go back to what I was months ago?
Am I being selfish?

Even though these questions I am still asking myself, I guess I am just going to have to throw myself into the deep end and hope I can swim.

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Hello, Its Ruby & I am finally back with a sequel to 'The deal & a bucketlist'.
Yay! I really hope you enjoyed it and will give me honest feedback about it. 

I will try to update soon I promise. Anyway I hope you all have had a Lovely

day. - Love Ruby xox

p.s This is the link to the first book: https://www.wattpad.com/story/30245999-the-deal-a-bucketlist <3