C H A N G E

{4}

My heart races as I stand there silently in front of apartment 23B. My hand hesitates for a second before knocking as my brain would like to remind myself of all the potentially bad scenarios. I close my eyes for a second and breath. I knock on the hard wooden door lightly hoping that I will only have to do it once. A girl with a long wavy blonde hair with blue tips answers the door.
"Hi, I'm Sydney you must be Riley. Aspen said you might be coming." She says kindly opening the door up wider letting me into the cosy looking apartment.
"Riley! I'm so glad you came." Aspen says getting up from the kitchen table giving me a tight hug.
"Yeah me too." I say my resembling her amount of happiness and enthusiasm.
"So I see you have met my girlfriend Sydney we live here together and this is our friend Mason." She says introducing me to boy sitting down at the table jotting down some notes while eating some pizza.
"It's nice to meet you guys." I say, finally feeling the slight bit of relaxation. I reach in to my bag and grab out all my stuff.
"So I'm not actually a medical student so I'm going to go. Leave you three to it." Sydney announces grabbing a sketch book and heading towards what I only assume is her bedroom. We all open our text book and start reading the set chapter silently occasionally highlighting or writing down various notes.
"You look really familiar Riley." Mason says staring at me for a second.
"I swear I have seen you somewhere. If you don't mind me asking what's your last name?" He continues on, I can see it in his eyes he is slowly recognising me.
"Its Jenner, Riley Jenner." I say quietly.
"Wait are you are part of that Kardashian-Jenner Clan?!" He exclaims thinking he has put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
"No. Riley Jenner as in the singer. Well Singer on a break." I try not sound to sound up myself. But it's really hard to tell someone you're famous without sounding a little odd. I just stare down at my notes awkwardly, feeling the pressure of his eyes on my face.
"Okay so. Why don't we talk about the next unit?" Aspen breaks the silence and I break the awkward staring competition I was just having with my notes.
"Okay, What's the next unit anyway?" Mason asks.
"Its something to do with the reproductive system or something. Can you check Riley I just put my book away its Chapter 6." She says trying to include me and break me out of my silence. I flick through my book and find Chapter 6.

A sudden feeling of Anxiety possesses me as I see the chapter title. I pause for a second its like my whole body freezes up. As memories come flooding into my head. They both look at me with worried faces.
"Um.. It's uhhh. Fetal development." I stutter slowly, my breathing speeding up.
"Aspen where is the bathroom?" My voice speeds up as my breathing does.
"The second door on the left." She says and I rush up from the table. As soon as the lock clicks shut, I collapse onto the floor in tears. My heart feels like it might pop out of chest at any second and my whole body starts to shake uncontrollably. I dig my finger nails deep into my skin. One half of me is telling myself to calm down and breathe. The other half of me is slowly losing control.

'Keep in Control Riley. Breathe. Breathe. Inhale, exhale.' Dr Anderson's voice echoes in my head.

"Riley! Are you alright? Riley?!" Aspen's panicky loud voice, brings me back. Her voice brings me back to reality and out of the hell that is an anxiety attack.
"Riley could you please unlock the door, we want to help you." Mason's voice also comes through the door, I reach up and unlock the door.
"Oh my goodness Riley." Aspen says rushing into the room. I wipe my eyes and look up to her kind face.
"Mason I think you can I got this." She whispers back at him. She engulfs me in a tight hug, calming my heart. For a good minute I just sit on the floor in her arms, I barely know this girl yet I feel like she has been treating me better than some people I have known for years.
"Why? What happened back there Riley? Your whole face changed when you saw the chapter. I know we only just met but I have been told I'm a great listener." She says kindly sitting cross-legged, I sit there contemplating whether to tell her or not.
"Okay. I will tell you but you have to promise to never tell anyone. Because only three people know other than myself." I say building up the courage.
"I promise." She looks me in the eyes and in that second she does I realise that she will be probably end up being my closest friends one day.
"So I was in a relationship with this guy called Jakob, we were actually engaged for three months.
We were together for nearly two years and after 10 months of dating I fell pregnant and everything was great for ages and he proposed and I was finally truly happy. But three weeks before my due date I went into labour and had a miscarriage. I lost her. Then soon after that I lost him. I lost Lily and Jakob. We were meant to be a family, He changed my life. And now I will never get to see him or Lily ever again." I say whilst crying.
"Riley. I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say other than sorry." She says hugging me again.
"It's okay. No one really knows what to say. But I think I might go home. Thank you for being so kind to me." I speak up again.
"Okay. I will see you tomorrow right?"
"Probably."
"Good. I need someone else with me in all these boring classes other than Mason. Anyway I'll walk you to your car." She gives me a toothy grin trying to bring up the mood again.

Once I am home, I flick through a photo album. An album full of all my pregnancy pictures and Ultrasounds. Tears stain the pages as I flick through them. I looked so happy in every photo I either looked ecstatic or completely in love with Jakob and I just can't help myself from thinking about what could have been. I put the photo album down and grab my Journal, suppose after what's happened tonight I should write a little bit.

Dear diary,
today was okay I guess. Well it depends on which of the part day I want to talk about because today was pretty good because I went to my first Uni Classes and met Aspen I feel like she will become one of my closest friends soon, however tonight was absolutely shitful only because I had an anxiety attack but otherwise the night was pretty okay. I learnt that the next medical unit after the one we are currently studying is fetal development. And now all I can think about is Lily and Jakob. I just miss them both so much. Lily would be four months old by now. All I can think about right now is what could have been. I know that's not a good way to think but I can't help. Right now I probably would have been cradling my beautiful baby girl instead of writing in a diary crying. I just wish things were different. But I guess I can't control the past but I can control where I go next in my life. And I just hope wherever I go next in life is better.
- Riley Jenner.

X\*