The List

Chapter Three- Bleeding Out

Chapter Three

A few moments later I was walking to my first maths class.

I was completing my last year of A levels at Lowood Upper School. I had taken on three subjects; maths, chemistry and biology. I was still deciding my future, not knowing what exact field to strive for. I had a feeling I would need a gap year following graduation.

I reached Mr Singh's math's classroom and walked in. The room was already full, and littered with my classmates. A lot of people took the same subjects as me; which especially suited my desire to be invisible quite fine.

I took my normal seat towards the back of the classroom next to Jill; a chirpy, red-headed girl, who had practically the same timetable as me and even though I wouldn't call us exactly good friends; we still chatted and hung out occasionally. I tended to spend more time with her nowadays than I did with either Molly or Sylvia; who were both more interested in English, dancing and drama and we only met up at lunch time.

Jill was also known to have a calm character. She was talkative and friendly with everyone; but like me she kept something back. I was sure of it and of course, I would know. She also wasn't the kind to go around blurting people's confidential information; which was something that Sylvia now had a bad reputation for.

These were the reasons why I picked Jill to help me.

"How was your weekend Rachel?" Jill smiled as she flipped through the pages of her heavy algebra textbook.

"Um, it was okay I guess, you?" I mumbled, my hands shaking inside my bag. My nerves were already getting into a state. I wasn't sure I could do this now.

"Pop quiz results!" called out Mr Singh from the back of the room, the whole class became silent. Jill nodded and winked at me then threw me a worried look as she turned to face Mr Singh. He began striding between the tables; his wide frame only just fitting. So it was inevitable that his arm clutching a large bundle of papers would accidentally brush along my shoulder; just as he was doing to a few others.

"Sorry," he apologised, not noticing my automatic cringing reaction; my whole body locked in a shiver frenzy, that for some reason was more so than usual.

"Are you okay?" whispered Jill worriedly, just as Mr Singh was giving out the papers and was shouting at people individually.

"I'm-I'm fine," I breathed. Despite it being completely obvious that I wasn't.

"Listen, you know that you can tell me anything," Jill said kindly. "Did something horrible happen in the weekend?" As usual, Jill was always on high alert for upset-people. I saw her almost every day, so she could clearly tell that I wasn't my usual composed, reserved self. On the brink of cracking.

"No, nothing happened," I replied unconvincingly. Nothing but a traumatising blast from the past.

"Oh, okay. Well just remember I'm always here."

I didn't know if it was the kind note to her voice or the agonising crush I had on Toby or even the reminder of the pain and memories I went through every single night when I dreamt. But something gave me the courage I didn't even know I had; to say what I had to say.

"Actually, there is," I said slowly, keeping my voice low. "There is something I need to talk to you about."

Jill stared at me curiously. She knew there wasn't something right straight away. I never really confessed anything to her previously; only sticking to small talk and discussion about our subject. But nonetheless, she kept on her gentle smile.

"That's fine," she murmured. "We can talk about it in free next?"

I nodded ferociously; still shocked that I actually managed to do it. This was probably the hardest part over with. All she had to do now was ask later and it would be much easier for it all to spill out. Or that's what I hoped.