The List

Chapter Eleven- Time to Act

Chapter Eleven

The next morning I awoke from a sleepless night. I had had a nightmare again.

I silently wished that I hadn’t relapsed and I was once again a petrified, lonely, untalkative individual. It hurt to think that I endured so much and now I would probably have to start all over again. And what about Toby?

But I tried not to think any more of that and tried to focus on the poor girl whose life I’d ruined. After all, it was my entire fault.

Now I was consumed with a new morbid emotion. It was guilt. Because if I had told someone the day it happened, four years ago; Louise would have been spared. But I hadn’t.

The thought never came to me really. That he would go and torture somebody else. I had just assumed that would be it. He got what he wanted, why would he do it again? How stupid of me to assume that.

I should have realised it the day that Jill suggested that I report him. I should have considered that Louise may have been in trouble. Made the link. Then I heard what my mother had been gossiping about. Why didn’t I do something then? I choose to forget. I was a coward. I ran away.

I hadn’t spoken to Jill properly since our argument. We had said polite words but no real conversation, no apologies.

It was Jill that I needed. Jill would know.

I made my final decision then, instantly. I had to go and find her.

I knew exactly where she lived. Like most people I knew, she only lived a few minutes’ walk away.  I glanced at the clock. It was only eight, but to me that didn’t matter.

I threw on all my clothes and raked a hairbrush through my hair. Then I sped downstairs. I hadn’t realised that my mother was already up. She was wearing her going-out clothes; which included her white, silken top and her long, black skirt. It looked like she was getting ready to go out.

“Rachel,” she snapped. Not her usual early morning greeting. “I need to speak with you. It’s about Louise.”

I froze. Of course, Mum wondered why Louise had stormed into the bathroom and refused to come out. She had desperately tried to coax her out all afternoon; not knowing the reason why. Then Bella had slipped it out a few hours later; saying that I had ‘said’ something to her before she stormed off.

Mum went ballistic then and started shouting at me through the bedroom door. I had refused to unlock and open the door, but I endured her shouting and lecturing mainly because I knew I deserved it.

“I don’t approve of your behaviour,” she went on. “I thought you were past that stage when you hid in that bedroom all the time but now suddenly you started doing it again. And I don’t like the way you are rude to all of our guests. Especially Bill! The man who saved our house! And don’t get me started on that silly midnight screaming…”

To my surprise, I could feel my fury boiling up. This was probably the most she had ever said to me. And now she had said it, it made me angry. What did she know? She didn’t care to enquire properly why I did those things. Perhaps if she had studied the signs, maybe she would discover my secret on her own.

I realised now that for years I had thrown these clues at her, but she still didn’t get it. Not a single one.

I didn’t care what she thought anymore.I didn’t care that she was furious with me. All I cared about was that young girl who had deeply suffered and it was all my fault. And I had a job to do.

Without a word, I spun away from my mother and raced to the front door. I could tell my move surprised her because she didn’t begin shouting again until I had slammed the door.