The List

Chapter Fourteen- The Beginning of the End

Chapter Fourteen

“Well done everyone for showing up. You are all incredibly brave and I hope this will turn out to be a great help to you!” I beamed around at the twelve females and three males who had turned up at my Abuse Support Group.

I had finally decided what I wanted to do with my life.

I had applied to do a psychology degree at a university near London for the following year and at the moment I was undergoing a gap year. I was using the gap year to earn and save up a bit of cash, regain some lost time that I should’ve had with my family but mostly it was to pursue some hands-on experience with people within my area before university started.

The thought to do this had come to me not long after that terrible day.

Everything had worked out in the end.

Bill was serving a good few years in prison. The trials and the media had been painful and long but now he was finally safe and locked away behind bars. It turned out that Bill obviously wasn’t quite right in the head so he was also going through a lot of therapy in prison. Nobody mentioned his name anymore and we were all relieved he was gone.

My father on the other hand; did not end up losing his job. In fact, he was promoted and took on Bill’s job as he was the best person for it.

Louise’s mother had come straight back from Florida when she heard what had happened. She was absolutely furious and deeply ashamed that she hadn’t been around; thinking that none of this would’ve happened otherwise. So she promised to let Louise decide where she wanted to live.  

Louise didn’t choose Florida like we all thought she would. She chose to stay in our town; not in the same house but a house not far away from where we lived. Her mother was deeply disappointed but she had made a promise.

Her decision didn’t make sense to anyone until a few weeks after she had settled in her new house with her mother. She was clearly still ever so fond of Bella and quickly they became the best of friends again. She obviously never wanted to face losing her again.

The change in Louise had been immense those past few months. It had been ages since I had last seen a smile on that face and within a couple of days into her freedom it was almost permanent. She could be a child again; she constantly chattered and giggled with Bella, just like she used to. She had started to pin her hair back; revealing a smooth, cheery and hopeful face- the colour slowly coming back to her cheeks.

She was still reproachful and shy of me; but she gradually warmed up to me and we chatted easily enough. But it was a bit difficult at first; the huge, inescapable tragedy that linked us together forever in our faces. It was only us who knew exactly how the other felt.

For quite a while, the people who I believed who were still suffering the most were my parents.

I knew that they were constantly submerged by a cloud of guilt. They couldn’t understand why they hadn’t known what had happened, why they hadn’t noticed. They were still extremely upset and hurt by Bill’s betrayal. Bill had been my parent’s best friend. He was their hero, he had saved them in their darkest moment. It was hard for them to comprehend that the whole time his endearing friendship was all but just an act.

I had tried to explain to them many times that I didn’t blame them; that they had to stop blaming themselves. This guilt was irrational. There was nothing they could do to change it.

But I was being a hypocrite. I understood this irrational guilt. My stomach still twisted whenever I thought of Louise and how I could’ve prevented what had happened to her; if only I had said something right from the beginning.

But at least I could talk to my parents again. I felt I had nothing to hide anymore. The wall was down for good.

Toby and I were still going out. In fact, the whole Abuse Support Group was down to him. I was the first person he told when the idea first came into my head. And he pushed me to pursue my dream.

The idea came to me on a bus ride when Toby and I were going out to town. I was just staring absent-mindedly out the window as I usually did. And a thought shot into my mind…

Everything happens for a reason. Something good can come out of anything. No matter how terrible, how disastrous the situation can be; there must be at least one, tiny positive outcome. Even if it was just a simple idea. Whenever there is any mistake, a lesson can be learnt from it. Whether if it was a car accident that teaches people to wear seatbelts. An industrial accident that leads to safety measures being implemented. The death of a loved one who had a genetic, but hidden, silent disease that prompts their family to all be screened for it.

What had happened to me was horrible. My innocence has been ripped away and I had been so heavily betrayed. But I could use this. I could use my pain, my experience, my knowledge to help other people. Something positive. There maybe someone who is lonely, trapped and has walled themselves away. But I can help them. I can bring them back…

I had told Toby and pondered over my idea for several weeks. Eventually, I told everyone and finally it all came together. I decided to start off small and sorted out various meetings with the head teacher of my school; who was only too happy to let me start up my own weekly support group in the gym.

I spent weeks and weeks planning sessions and thinking about ways to help someone climb back out of their hole. I decided to open up the group to people who had undergone all types of abuse; not just sexual. Such as physical abuse, mental abuse, bullying.

Finally, all my planning had come together. The group started the following September within the school, once the year had commenced.  

And it had worked out amazingly. Just as I had hoped.

I had never known there would be such a diverse group of people within my own community who had suffered equally as much as me. I was shocked at the turnout. People who I had known for years; who I never would have dreamt would have undergone such trauma out of school hours and had never shown any sign of it- were sitting directly in front of me.

It just shows. There is suffering everywhere. It is everywhere; but no one is seeing it.

Everyone in turn spills out their dark secrets that have haunted them for years. One of the boys talks about violent parents. Another recounts the constant bullying he had put up with his whole life. A girl talks about a rape from a stranger in the park when she was simply walking the dog one night.

Everyone is quiet and listens. But no one is sad. These people smile when they finish talking because they know they have accomplished one of the most difficult hurdles of their lives. And they know everything has changed for the better.

I shoot a small smile over to Jill who is opposite me. Of course she insisted in helping and had even planned some sessions of her own. Toby grins at me from behind her. He also insisted about coming to every single meeting but he is in charge of the refreshments. It turned out he actually really enjoyed the art of baking.

The feeling of happiness grows stronger and stronger and inside I feel that we are all strong. We will fight, we will fight for what is right and together we can fix anything. No one is suffering anymore.

When the last person has finished their story; we all give each other shakey smiles and everyone is calm. I stand up to make my request.

“I am so proud of all of you!” I say, my eyes prickling with tears. “The hardest step is now over! Now for this first session there is something I would like each of you to do for me. You don’t have to show it to me, you can totally keep it to yourself if you like. But what I want you to do is to make a list. A list of anything that you think you can do to make everything better. A list of things only you can achieve. A list with things that you want.”

I dip my hand into my pocket and bring out a ragged piece of folded paper.

“This is my list. I wrote it one night and it has helped me change my life forever. Now you can try it too.” I read it out.

Everyone around the circle looks up at me curiously but hastily they all grab for the paper and pens that Jill passes around.

The list had saved me. Now it was their turn.

THE END