The List

Chapter Seven- "This is hard for me to say..."

Chapter Seven

I spent the whole rest of the weekend wallowing in my bedroom.

Mum constantly walked in, always telling me that various people had rung up and they wanted to talk to me. I knew that these people were probably Sylvia and Molly; who had probably heard about the disaster at the party and wanted to scrounge for more juicy gossip.

I just told her that I wasn’t feeling well and that I would call them back later; of course I never did.

I didn’t like this charade at all and I didn’t want to be compared with any of those girls who cried and shut themselves away at the break of a nail.

But I couldn’t help it. I needed time to think.

For the first time in my life I truly hated what had happened to me.

Obviously I had always hated it, but I had accepted it as something from my past and I tried to move on from that. But now I truly wished that it had never happened. Why did it have to be me? I hated hated hated it. The world was so unfair.

I liked a boy. And he seemed to like me; which was like wish, a dream come true. But I still couldn’t date him. I probably couldn’t even physically go near him. There will always be this wall, these memories always glaring at me in the face. This barrier that will always prevent me from actually being happy.

I suppose what I hated most was that I was stuck with this forever.

The alarm trilled early Monday morning and I grudgingly dragged myself out of bed. I traipsed down the stairs, all washed and dressed. Mum was already up and was watching me nervously.

“Do you feel better today then?” she asked innocently. “Well enough to go to school?”

I nodded. In truth, I never wanted to go to school ever again. I would have to put up with all the stares and whispers; of all the rowdy gossip. Toby will hate me and probably has finished springing up all the rumours.

But I could get through this. All I needed was a few qualifications and a good job so I could fully support myself my whole life; especially since I was probably going to end up alone forever.

I set out into the streets; my head down. I marched quickly, dodging the various people. I passed the postman out on his rounds.

“Hello!” he waved to me. I carried on walking, ignoring him; feeling an uncontrollable rising anger. To me, he was just another middle-aged man, probably looking out to ruin another poor teenage girl’s life.

I kept marching to the school and I overtook the group of Sylvia’s alternative friends. I saw their miniscule skirts, their heavy makeup, their bleached, straightened hair and I suddenly felt envious of them. I was actually jealous of a group of slut-wannabes. Because they didn’t have this wall. They had that ability to be comfortable around any males; they could have a relationship, they could be happy. Yet they blindingly took it all for granted.

Tears were forming in my eyes as I realised how low I had become. I was just about to stomp through the school doors, when a firm hand took my shoulder. My instant reaction was to desperately shrug them away, until I turned to see who it was.

It was Toby.

“Rachel please talk to me,” he begged anxiously. He released his grip, his eyes boring into mine. “I want to know what’s going on, I want to help you.”

I hesitated at this. It sounded like he had a vague idea and I wondered if he had spoken to Jill. Well, I was never going to tell anybody anything anymore if this is all where it got me.