This Side Of Paradise

'-_nine_-'

It's been a little over a week since my breakdown, since I was told about myself, since I have any realization of who I am, or who I am told I am. Life in a hotel isn't bad though and Aidan says it's just because the car broke down and we are trying to get a different rental. I'm not complaining and nor is Mr. Pickles. The whole process has been a little unnerving but smooth, everything is so perfect it seems.

I wake up whenever I feel like it.

Order food from the menu and if I don't want that we call somewhere else to bring it here.

Mr. Pickles is fed, loved, and cared for in anyway that Mr. Pickles wants to be.

I shower for however long I want. Aidan even went out and walked to CVS to get some generic makeup and hair stuff for me. He bought me some hair color striping kit and dark brown dye. He said it would look better, since my red is running through and it might even make me feel better.

I paint my nails just about everyday, but my acrylics seem to be growing out. Maybe I can have Aidan take me to get them removed or refilled.

I order more food and watch endless movies on the tv.

Aidan though, doesn't want me watching regular tv. He says there is an epidemic with children and babies and says he doesn't want me to get upset. I didn't argue, though I want to know some things that are happening, so he gets me newspapers and magazines.

Sometimes I will lay on Aidan's chest and listen to his heart beat and take a nap, until he gets up and has to answer a phone call. He is on his phone a lot, but tells me it's because of the car and the hotel bill.

I suggested we move to a cheaper hotel, he refused and told me to not worry. He has everything under control.

I will play and pet pickles, clip his nails when he feels like he needs to claw the furniture and put tape on his paws to watch him struggle with himself.

Everything seems to content and perfect.

Too perfect  My brain keeps ringing out, but I ignore the better judgement and keep telling myself that Aidan has everything under control. He's been through this before. He will take care of me.

Sometimes though, Aidan is gone longer than he says he will be. Sometimes he will stare somewhere and not hear me when I tell him something. Sometimes, I think he doesn't even care. But again, I push it all aside and tell myself he's just flustered because of the whole situation, at least I forgot about everything. He knows and re-lives it because of me. He knows the feeling of losing the baby and my meltdowns. I just am told about them and I can't see myself like that; crazed, uncontrollable, and deadly depressed.

~~

"Hey." I smile at him as he stares down at his phone, typing furiously.

He doesn't look up so I take a step towards him and he glances up at me, then back at the phone. A small pause and a eye squint later, he does a double take and looks at me.

My hair is damp from the shower and I'm wrapped up in a towel, the steam is still leaving the bathroom and out onto the mirror, fogging it. I hold the towel tightly around myself but take in deep breathes trying to calm down. Aidan hasn't tried to pull any move on me and I can't tell if it's because he is stressed out with this whole situation or if he just doesn't like me, maybe he's tired of this whole ordeal. It makes me partially sad, that he has to bare with me after all of this.