To Have and to Hold

Chapter 42

"Mom?"

"Oh sweetie, you look so much better," she says as she reaches for my hand to help me out of the wheelchair.

"Where's Cole?"

"I was thinking that we'd get something to eat on the way home. I'm sure you're sick of all of this hospital food," she says, as takes my bag of clothes in one hand and uses the other to escort me out.

"Mom, where's Cole?"

"How about we go to that Shake Shack you're always going on about."

She's offering to take me for shakes, this is bad. "Mom?"

She stops in her tracks, and looks at me, and she almost looks to be sympathetic. "He couldn't make it, honey."

"Oh, well will he be home when I get there?"

She ignores me, and turns to hail a cab. I squeeze her hand. I need to know. She looks back at me, and squeezes my hand back, as a cab pulls along side us. Just when we plant ourselves inside does she she finally speak to me. She's calm as ever, back to masking any emotion, but there's something different about her way that I can't place.

"I think that maybe we should talk to your school about getting you back into the dorms," she says.

And then I know. But I don't react, because a small part of me hopes that he'll be home when I get there. So I sit and stare out the cab window, watching as the cars pass us by and hold onto that hope. My mother pays the taxi driver when we pull up to my place, but doesn't go to follow me inside. I turn to her in confusion. My mother would never wait outside. We've been through this, in this very spot actually.

"I'll give you a few minutes."

I don't answer, just take a deep breath and go into the small apartment that I share with Cole. My home.

"Hello," I whisper, as I open the door, knowing its on deaf ears. No ones here, I can feel the emptiness.

Duke runs up and jumps on me, and I pet him as I take in my surroundings. Everything's the same, the same smell, the same furniture, even Cole's shirt is laid on the couch and a pair of shoes are on the floor. But then there's boxes. My boxes. The ones from the beer distributor that I had used to box my stuff when I moved into this apartment just a few months ago. And look at that, there filled with my things!

This time I do react. I lay right on the floor next to my things and cry, with Duke laying beside me. I cry for my lost child, the one who never had a chance. I cry for my lost marriage, which didn't have a chance either. But mostly I cry for Cole, the man I love, who walked out on me when I needed him the most. How will I ever get over this?

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"Char!"

"Wake up! You're having a nightmare!"

I turn, forgetting that I'm on the couch, and nearly fall. Luckily Cole blocks me, and instead of laughing at my predicament, he looks to be a mixture of worried and pissed.

"What?," I ask, while rubbing my eyes.

"I woke up and you weren't in bed with me."

"I couldn't sleep, so I came out here to watch some tv, I guess I conked out. What time is it?"

"Almost five, let's go back to bed," he says, reaching out his hand to help me up.

We walk to his room together, him holding me close. I don't know if he needs the support, still feeling the affects of too much to drink, or if he thinks that I need it. Truthfully, we both need one another right about now. Once back to his room, he tucks me in before sliding under the covers beside me. Neither of us can fall back asleep, but we just lay in the dark instead. It's a little while before he turns to me, when my eyes just start to close.