The Chaotic Interim (boyxboy)

Chapter 22

Things had changed between them. It was subtle and sad and somehow nice, but yet at the same time it was so far from what either of them really wanted. They hugged and they held hands. Josiah still cooked for Carson and walked him to all of his classes. They got coffee on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and they took turns paying. At night they lay together, mostly shirtless, sometimes only in their boxers, and Josiah always had a strong, protective arm around the younger boy.

But what they didn’t do was what they both wanted more than anything. And that was kissing. There hadn’t been a simple peck or a brush of lips on a cheek or a shoulder or anything shared between the two of them. In fact, they had kept their lips completely to themselves since the morning they spoke about Josiah’s cheating and had that whole fiasco.

Two weeks of ignoring the elephant in the room, they were laying together in Josiah’s bed. It was the middle of a Friday afternoon just before the beginning of finals week. Carson was seconds away from drifting off into a nice little nap when Josiah rolled over to stare at him.

Josiah watched his best friend with his closed eyes, slightly parted lips, and his chest rising and falling as he breathed steadily. The black-haired boy had been more thinking in the last few weeks than he thought he ever had. He had also never been more conflicted in his life.

There were two people he loved. Which meant there were two people he was hurting. But all the same, he was hurting himself just by having the thoughts he was. And Josiah had no idea how to properly fix it. He knew that no matter what he did, said, or chose, someone would be getting hurt.

He took a few moments to admire the perfect slope of Carson’s nose and the subtle amount of muscle that made up his chest. Josiah licked his lips and took in a ragged breath. He knew what he was about to do. And he knew just how badly it was going to screw everything up. But the last four days had spurred thoughts inside of him that he couldn’t escape.

Josiah carefully reached a hand out to hover over his best friend’s chest. Now that he had moved his hand, he was hesitant. But after a few seconds, Josiah gently brought his hand down to rest lightly on top of Carson’s pecs.

The younger boy jumped at the sudden interruption from his nearly-sleeping state. He was just about to open his eyes when he heard a whisper from the lips of a god saying words he thought he would never hear.

“I think I love you,” Josiah said quietly.

The words tore out of his throat as if they were made of razor blades. He hated himself just for saying them and tears stung at his eyes. He remembered all those days ago when Carson had screamed at him about how selfish he was. And as he continued to say more words, he knew it was true. Only a selfish person would do this to someone.

Josiah tripped over his tongue as he said, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Carson’s blue eyes finished opening all the way and all he could do was stare up at the ceiling. His eyes were so wide they actually hurt, which he hadn’t ever thought was possible before. He suddenly took in a strangled breath and choked on it because he had apparently been holding it for a lot longer than he thought.

Josiah narrowed his eyes in concern. Carson’s silence was killing him slowly. He regretted ever having opened his mouth. He had thought for sure that the pain of saying the words would have been more bearable than the pain of keeping them to himself. Now, he had never felt so wrong about anything.

Just the horrified look on Carson’s fair-skinned face, made the older boy want to both cry and throw up. He was in too deep, Josiah realized. Sure, Carson liked him a lot. But that did not mean the brunet was in love with him. Josiah suddenly felt like the biggest idiot in the world. He hadn’t lied, he really was starting to fall in love with Carson. It was scary and new and not what he should be doing, but it was reality.