Even More Reasons - m.c

Chapter 13

No Michael & Shay.

Just Michael.

Michael's P.O.V

Breaking up with Shay was by far the worst thing of my life. I had the shittiest feeling in me right now.

After our talk, I walked the streets of New York mindlessly wandering.

You know, there's this huge debate about following your head or your heart.

My heart was entirely Shay. Hell, it was filled with Shay.

But my head was telling me we did the right thing.

I was battling these two sides to this break up, my heart telling me I was wrong & my head telling me I was right.

The more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt that I even dragged Shay into this.

For three years, she put up with my crazy schedule, the fan hate, the constant press. She never signed up for that. When she met me, she saw me as the boy across the lake - she had no idea what being associated with me came with.

& on top of that, she was a recovering addict & I put her in the worst situations.

I brought her a lot of sadness, a lot of pain of missing someone. She didn't need that.

Shay deserved to be happy, to have a relationship when she can see the person any day she wants.

I wanted Shay but Shay deserved better than me.

I wanted her for myself but she did deserve better. She deserved someone she could explore cities with without needing security, someone that could come spend any night with her because they were only a short taxi ride away. She deserved someone whose job didn't include throwing after show parties. Shay never deserved any of the hate she got. She deserved to be in love with someone without the judgement of young teens behind computer screens.

Shay deserved better than me.

& I had to let her go.

I was going to hate myself for awhile, possibly for the rest of my life to some degree, but this was the right thing. I knew all along. Once we had that band meeting, I had a feeling it would end Shay & me. But what was I to do? Drop the band? I couldn't. & she understood that.

There's nothing saying that I can never speak to her again & maybe a friendship can develop between us. & who knows, we could get back together in time once things settle down.

But for now, it was back to me.

No Michael & Shay.

Just Michael.

& I was weirdly, confusingly, almost excited for it.

Ever since I realized my stupid 'rockstar' ways, I felt like such a happier, more grateful, understanding person.

But I had only been that person with Shay.

I've never been the new & improved Michael without her.

But now I could be.

Losing Shay is the hardest thing I think I'll ever experience. I needed any positivity I could get so if focusing on me was the positive piece, I had to go with it.

I was still figuring out who I was & that can be exciting, & I was about to put out a new album filled with songs that the entire band loves & then I could travel the world with my three best mates playing to tens of thousands of fans every single night.