The Man Of My Nightmares (Septiplier) **DISCONTINUED**

Bitter and the Sweetness

Tears. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Why did he do it? I neeed him. Carefully I searched for consolation in my mind. I thought maybe he just didn't know what to do, he was so worked up about his dad's death. Maybe he snapped under pressure. But I soon realized I was searching for something I didn't have. I pressed my palms into my face to try and stop the tears, stop the memories, stop the pain. I whimpered pathetically. I'm half alive. Silently, I slid open my nightstand to reveal the blade I stained glistening in the moonlight. It shone like false hope. I knew it was wrong, but I took it anyway. I need to be okay, just for now. My legs begrudgingly shifted so I sat upright on the edge of the bed. Deep breaths. I was afraid to touch my legs, so I held my left arm in front of me and clenched my fist as hard as I could. I saw the bones and tendons in my arm, dangerously close to skin. I placed the blade on the edge of my wrist and pressed down slightly. With half force and speed, I tore through the flesh leaving a crimson line in its path. And another. And another. Until I may as well be Clifford the big red fucking dog. I tried to catch the blood in my lap, but I didn't. There was some bedsheets on the ground, though, so I could throw them in the wash later on. I felt the pain of a memory. The cold waiting room, the feeling of resentment, then excitement. The excitement that was almost gone forever. Another memory. Claire? Claire, get up! Please. Hello? Yes. My daughter, she's unconscious. Help me please. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die, maybe now was my time.

A light came on. A blue light. Mark's face illuminated my phone screen before I could even move. I turned on my light and propped my phone against my laptop before answering. "Hi, how are you?"
"How are you?" What do I do?
"I asked first, doofer."
"Please jack, how are you?" I stood up so he could see my entire body.
"How do I fucking look? I have been so worried about you that I was ready to kill myself. You mean that much to me. Are you happy?! Is this what you wanted? You wanted me to fucking suffer?! You said you would never let anyone go through this pain! YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE! YOU HAVE ALL THIS REGRET FROM YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND ZACK, BUT YOU WERE TOO BLIND TO SEE YOU DID THE SAME TO ME! YOU GAVE ME A REASON TO LIVE AND YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY! DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? DO YOU GET A KICK OUT OF SEEING ME SUFFER? I HAVE DEAD SIBLINGS WHO EXPERIENCED THE SAME THINGS I DO! BUT YOU ARE MORE THAN A SIBLING TO ME! GODDAMMIT I LOVE YOU!" I paused, tears began falling again. "Not only did you try to take your life away, but then you have the nerve to ask me how I'm doing because suddenly I'm more important than the one who's been in the hospital for the past few weeks. If you're still curious, I'm doing bad. I'm bad. Now let me ask you once more, HOW. ARE. YOU?" I shivered out of rage, out of regret.
"I'm sorry, they're letting me out real soon, okay?"
"Sorry Mark."
"It's okay. Did anybody ask where I was?"

***

By the end of the week, Mark still wasn't out and Lily was getting worried. She began coming to school with dark circles under her eyes, her hair in knots. It was astonishing how much of an impact Mark had on her. Of course, that made me start to dislike her. Mark was mine, how dare she pretend he's her problem. I was trying my hardest to look okay. I was trying my hardest to wait for the day he would come home. Mark. Is. Mine.

At lunch I ran to the unused bathroom to cry. I cried because there's a chance that he did it because of me. Maybe I scared him off when I said I loved him. I cried because I want him back, I want to do things right. I wanted to scream. I needed to do something with this feeling. I reached in my bag for my spare razor blade right when I heard a cry from the women's room. At first I thought two kids were fucking, then I realized it sounded like Lily. It was clear now that she was upset, so I shoved the razor in my bag and stood outside the women's door.
"Lily?" I called out. There was no reply other than a quiet sniffle. I called out again.
"What?" She replied shakily.
"Can I come in?"
"Fine" I slowly walked in and saw her on the floor with her makeup all over her reddened face. I knelt down and hugged her.
"Mark's okay, he's coming back soon."
"I know... it's not that, it's..." clink My razor fell out of my bag.
"Oh my god, were you going to? I dont want you to harm yourself, I care about you!"
"I care about YOU!" I smiled faintly.

***

The next week, Mark showed up. I greeted him with a hug that lasted a bit too long, but he didnt mind. Then he hugged Lily and I saw her eyes light up again. But I didnt run. I stayed, I was... I was happy. He looked okay, he smelled of the hospital. The bell rang, and without thinking, I leaned in and kissed him. Just a peck. I mean, I already told him I loved him, what do I have to lose? He wrapped his arm around me as we walked to first period. This isnt the end, but it seems the author has lost herself once again.