The Man Of My Nightmares (Septiplier) **DISCONTINUED**

Self-Destruction

I wanted to skip again, but I couldn't. I had skipped the whole time Mark was out. Ted would question me. I am in no shape to go to his office right now. But I'm here, in this cold room with no one beside me. Waiting. Waiting for one person. One to call my name and another to call my own. I felt adrenaline rise in my stomach as the door opened, letting some warm air in with it. I didn't have to look up to recognize who it was.

"Hey sweetface." Sounded better in my head...
"Dafuq, hey." He chuckled a warm chuckle. I felt.... safe.
"It's been awhile.."
"Hah, yea a couple hours." His eyebrow arched and his mouth screwed to the side.
"No since we had a session."

Ted called our names. We trudged into the office quietly. He greeted us and I rolled my eyes unnoticed. "Sean, why haven't you come since Mark's incident?"
I huffed "I don't know." I saw a disappointed glance from Mark.

"But I mean.. since then we've gotten a lot closer..." Mark winked at me.
"That's good."

I must've said something good after that because Ted gave me a smile. I don't think I told him that we were dating, but what do I know? Well, I know that I want to die right now. Why? I'm not too sure. This session just had to end, fast. Me and mark gave Ted mechanical answers and he didn't question it. Before I knew it, it was over and I went home. My heart felt heavy as we passed 7-eleven. Tonight. I told myself. I scurried to my room and.... cried. Again, why? WHY THE FUCK AM I FALLING APART?! I locked my door. Jesus christ it's still daylight. I laid down on the bed and breathed. My presumed sadness turned into anger right before me. I clenched my teeth so hard my jaw hurt and I let out a stifled scream. I threw my pillow at my closet door, the double mirror. "YOU DID THIS!" I yelled at nothing. My duvet was spread across the floor and I looked for more things to throw. I found a small cactus figurine and threw it so hard I was surprised I didn't break my mirror. But then I did. I pounded my fist into it and it split open with the glass. I squeezed my hand and felt the warm liquid stream out. It was liberating. I felt alive. I grabbed a large shard of glass and made a deep vertical stripe up my left arm. I didn't care that I could see muscle tissue. My clenched teeth morphed into a demented smile, tears still pouring from my eyes. I was numb. It felt like heaven. I made another, smaller gash. There was blood fucking everywhere, but ma doesn't come in here anyways. I squeezed the glass, giving myself a nice cut on my palm where I could see the interworkings of my hand. I dropped the glass and basked in the feeling. I got lightheaded. Suddenly it hurt, suddenly I panicked. I ran to the bathroom and wrapped myself up in a tight, thick layer of gauze, praying that there was no glass inside me.

***

The clock told me 7, but it felt like midnight after cleaning everything. The sky seemed to agree, as dark as the day I had. I tried to calm down with youtube and stalled until 10. My heart refused to calm down and my arms ached like hell. I mentally rehearsed my plan for tonight, while looking for a nice hoodie to wear. I found a grey one and slipped it on. I heard mum go to sleep and she was already knocked out. Just in case, I got my sheets out of the wash and put them on my bed. Quietly, I snuck out the door. I put my earbuds in and walked down the street. With tired eyes, I approached the convenience store and took a deep breath. With my deepest, strongest accent I asked the man for a bottle of Jack Daniel's, a lighter, and a pack of Camel, the same one Lily had. He gave it to me and I paid him about 30 bucks. Then I walked to the park.

I sat in front of the glassy lake and popped open the bottle. An eager gulp. It tasted like hand sanitizer at first. Then it started to taste good, it was sweet and bitter at the same time. I drank the whole bottle before I knew it. I felt like I was floating, I felt like everything was okay. I lay down and looked at the stars. Lighting a cigarette, I inhaled deeply. I was a dragon. No one was around, so I climbed a nearby tree, stripped, and jumped into the lake. Why not? I swam around with not a care in the world. Then I got a crazy idea. How long can I "drown" without dying? I went underwater and took a deep breath, burning my lungs. I did not enjoy that and somehow sobered myself up. I got out and put my clothes back on, only to remember that I had brought a razor blade with me. No, not today. I could smell the alcohol on my breath, but I went home. Time? 2am. I went to sleep.

At school the next day, I saw Lily trying to smile. I hugged her, but I had a terrible migraine. She had cuts all the way to her shoulders and she didn't bother to hide them. But she was wearing tights which kind of covered her legs, but not completely. She was hurting and I wanted to help so fucking bad. Her hair had faded to a light blue, almost white colour as if she was surrendering to this life. Her eyeliner was smeared everywhere, but she had obviously just went over it, because the lines were sharp. I didn't know what to do, so I offered her a cigarette. She ran a cold pale hand through her hair with a deep sigh and said "Jack, I'm done."
"No, you're not, you are amazing. You light up every room and everyone loves you."
"Fucking liar" She spat bitterly.
"I just want to help, because you helped me."
"Oh, save it." She was proper broken.

So I didn't talk the rest of the day. Who wants to hear a squeaky Irishman anyway? I walked down the hall during lunch and I fell. Next thing I know I'm in the nurses office. She says I've been passed out for the past two hours and school was over soon. She gives me an apple and tells me that I have to start eating more. Since she's there, I eat the apple, knowing it'll come up later, and I lie down. My stomach rumbled, but it felt like a massage from the inside out. The burn of hunger was all to familiar. The bell rang literally 5 minutes later.

A/n: hella short, sorry. But I'm back and updates will be about every week or sooner. So life update that I promised: I'm on antidepressants now.. that's all. Don't ask how I know what alcohol tastes like.... I'm a good child.