Stolen (Published)

19. Turn myself

I woke up. Yes I did. It wasn’t a dream. I woke up and I’m still alive. The men who abducted me left me in the middle of nowhere with my wounds still bleeding. Maybe I really deserve this – I am a demon and being hurt like this suits me. Alam kong hindi ako mapapatawad ng mga Consunji lalo na ng ama ni Yza dahil sa ginawa ko sa kanya. I know for a fact that he wanted so much to kill me at hindi ko alam kung ikatutuwa ko ba ang katotohanan na binuhay at pinakawalan ko kahit na hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako.

Lumiko ako at paglabas ko ay napansin ko ang pagdami-daming sasakyan. I am in the city again. I know I look like a creep but I don’t care. I needed to get back. I needed tro call someone but I don’t have anything with me right now. I have myself but that wasn;t enough. I kept on walking, I was losing my breath. Pakiramdam ko sa bawat hakbang na kukunin ko ay mamamatay ako. Napasandal ako sa pader. I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath. As if on cue – I closed my eyes and I saw her face again – Yza’s face and the way she looks at the boy – it hurts so much – more than the fact that I have been held captive by her father and her uncles for days. Mas kaya ko pang tanggapin na lang ang kamatayan kaysa ang katotohanan na kahit na gaano ko siya kamahal – yes I do love her. If I were a wizard of Oz character – I’d be the tin man – the one without the heart – and I grew my heart not because of the witch but because of Yza Consunji and no matter how comforting that thought is: it’s just not enough.

I love her and the most painful part of loving someone is seeing them happy with the person they love.

“Kuya!”

Wala na akong maintindihan. Naririnig ko ang mga boses na iyon – boses ng mga batang hindi ko alam kung saan nagmula pero alam kong nilapitan nila ako. Nakaupo na ako ngayon sa sidewalk at pilit humihinga kahit pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti nang kinakapos ng hangin ang puso ko.

“Mama, okay ka lang?!”

“Tulong! Tulong!”

Iyon ang mga salitang naririnig ko. Unti-unti ay humihina ang tunog sa paligid. Para bang nakakatulog ako. Para bang hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta o kung anong mangyayari sa kinabukasan. Hindi ko na talaga alam – ang tanging malinaw lang sa akin ay ang katotohanan na ang mukha niya at ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya ang tanging bagay na maaaring maging dahilan ng susunod kong buhay pero ang pagmamahal na nararamdaman ko sa kanya at ang pagmamahal na nararamdaman niya para sa iba ang papatay sa akin sa buhay ko ngayon.

I just wished I could go back and changed the way I treated her. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve been more respectful. I should’ve been a much better person – siguro kung ganoon nga ang nangyari o kung ganoon ang ginawa ko p- mas may tsansa ako sa kanya – para sa kanya – para sa aming dalawa pero wala.

I can never change the way I treated her. I have violated her and I don’t know what to do to make the wrong things right again.

I know but I don’t know how to or where to start…

If only I could.

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I woke up that morning and I realized that it wasn’t a dream. She’s with me – by my side sleeping like a little kid while I look at her. Masaya ako dahil siya ang kasama ko. Masaya ako dahil alam kong ako ang pinili niya – masaya ako. I kissed her forehead, I kissed her cheeks. I wanted to wake her up – I want her to see me – I want her to realize that I am the one for her – the only one – walang ibang choice – walang ibang tao – ako lang.

Gusto kong ma-realize niya na si Yza Joan ay para lamang kay Zachary Drew – that first love lasts – that no matter what she did or what happened – she will always be my dear Yza – the one who made me feel the things I never though existed before. My first love and my last.