Fallen

Falling Back

It's been....

A month? Or two maybe...I wouldn't know. I'm so lost in myself. So lost in everything. He's taken, in a serious committed relationship.

I've got my why now. Now I just need to move on. Forget he ever happened. Forget every word. Every smile, the jingle of his laughter, his thoughtful pauses, his heartfelt words. He was just being a good human being. I lost him. I lost him for good.

But then I realise, he was never mine to hold. There was nothing between us. No promises of forever. No whispered shared feelings.
But there could've been. And this possibility of a beautiful relationship is what kept me stringed. We were good together. He was good for me.
Don't know how good I was for him though.

This is the only way I know to get over it. To write about it till I can't anymore. To be exhausted of words to describe the helplessness I'm in.

I'm still yearning for him. It feels wrong. But if he ever came to me, would I honestly be able to say no with no regrets.

No. I would probably, but I can't be a 100% sure that I wouldn't let him cheat on his girl with me.
Because I am tempted. There's no other way to say it. I want him. Then, now, probably for a long time from now. I'm helpless in my want for him. But I'm not going to let it control me. I'll fight till the end.

I'm still dreaming about, daydreaming about his reactions. About how he'd be in a relationship. Somehow, I think he would've been everything I ever wanted in a person.
I admired him, I still do. He's an amazing person. I don't come close.
I'm falling back to the state of intoxication again. I can hear his voice like its yesterday again. See the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled or cracked a joke.

Is this even normal? This demented state of mind? Am I losing my head? I honestly don't have a clue.

I don't want to fall back.