65 roses for a special girl

new school. new life?

She was paranoid and shy and sick and bisexual and confused and terrified and she was Charlotte. She stepped into her new school and her new life. She tried to be quiet and loud and smart and funny and nerdy and cool and attractive and friendly and confident and Gothic and moody and damaged but she realised she couldn't be who she wanted to be on the outside. She couldn't be anyone but the person that was on the inside. But she was damaged and broken and dying excruciatingly slowly. So she hid that all away to make her mom happy and her new friends happy and she put on her mask everyday but it got too heavy and it melted into her and became her. She misses her brother. She has anger issues. she has love life issues. she has parent issues but then who doesn't? She tries her best and doesnt try at all. She hides in books and music and games and waits and prays and hopes that someone will one day look at her, really look at her, and they will love her like really love with their whole being because right now the only person who can do that is herself and she is having a hard time of it lately. Her mask is getting too heavy once again and she fears what will lie beneath when it falls. Her friends are the only ones holding it in place. Each comment, each name, each stupid question weakens it. Six sessions with a therapist and her problems have only just begun to come out. But then the therapist left so the problems are left to fester and grow and spread like cancer. Sometimes she wishes she was sicker just so people could look at her and say 'she is sick' that's all. That's all she wants but sometimes she feels like she should wear a t shirt that says she is sick and dying and it's not just a cough and cold and that time you had flu is definitely not worse than what she feels every time she walks away from her friends and realises she is alone again and that she is dying and there is no one she can talk to that remotely knows what it feels like to be her. What it feels like to be me. This is my life. This is the just a very small insite to the kind of things I think and feel on a daily basis. What makes me sad is there are people out there who are so much worse off than me. I cannot imagine what they deal with on a daily and I hope they all try to stay strong until that lung transplant comes through.