Learn To Love Again

Chapter 1

This isn't real. No, it can't be. Soon, I'll just wake up and all this will disappear, and everything will be okay again.

No matter how many times I repeated these words over and over again in my mind I just couldn't bring myself to believe them. This was real. It was no dream– no, nightmare– that my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 liver cancer a month ago. It was no nightmare when I walked chest-pounding into the doctor's office one morning and was told by Dr. Bryon that Patrick had only two more weeks to live.

But it had to be. How could he have gone from being so healthy, and strong, and active to dying slowly in a hospice bed, so fragile and helpless? It just wasn't right.

It was a very bright and humid summer morning and I was on my way to the hospice to see Patrick. The doctor had told me that morning that he had only a few hours left and that I needed to be there. I wasn't sure if I could, but I had to. I couldn't live with the pain if I didn't.

I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then stepped through the glass doors into the hospice. A part of me wanted to believe that a miracle would happen and Patrick would stay with me but I knew better than to believe that, to hold on to false hope.

I walked up to the assistant and said something to her. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what I said to her. All I knew was she nodded and moved her lips, her words lost somewhere in all the chaos going on in my mind.

Soon I was lead by a tall man in uniform through a waiting room to the door of Patrick's room. I stood in front of the door, unable to open it. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry but I could already feel the tears burning in my eyes.

No. I can't do this. I just can't.

I turned around to leave but then that voice at the back of my head started speaking:

Are you really going to leave? Don't you want to be there when he goes?

I did. I really did. I turned around again and placed a hand on the doorknob. I then closed my eyes and tried my best to blink back the tears as I took a deep breath.

I spun the knob and pushed the door open, then stepped in. As soon as I did, I could feel the tears rushing back.

I will not cry.

I blinked the tears back once again and walked towards the bed. Patrick was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Anna? Honey is that you?"

His voice was so fragile and broke slightly as he spoke. I took another deep breath before answering.

"Yes, hon, it's me," I answered, sitting at the edge if the bed. "How are you feeling?"

He turned his eyes to mine and I could feel my eyes start to cloud. I blinked the tears back and forced a smile.

"I'm feeling fine," he said, even though we both knew he wasn't. "How about you?"

"I'm great," was all I could say, my voice completely contradicting my words. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I'm great."

He shifted his gaze back to the ceiling, then back to me, and something in his eyes told me I wouldn't be able to take what he was about to say.

"Anna," he began, my name coming out no more than a soft whisper. I tried desperately to blink back the tears that clouded my eyes then but it seemed my eyes had gotten used to the trick.

I pressed a finger to his lips. "Please," I whispered. "Please don't."

"No I need to say this," he said. I could tell he was trying to make his voice seem strong but he was failing miserably. His voice was low and scratched, and broke between syllables.

I nodded. It was all I had the strength to do.

He took a shallow breath, then continued. "Just know that I'm going to a better place and you don't need to worry. Everything happens for a reason."

I nodded. I wanted to believe him but honestly, I didn't really know what to believe.

He locked his eyes with mine, then continued. "I love you, Anna. So much. And I always will. I will love you forever and no matter what happens, please remember that." He paused and a tear trickled down his cheek.

I couldn't help it anymore. The tears freed themselves and oozed down my cheeks like a waterfall.

"Please don't cry," I heard him say.

I fought to control my tears. After about half a minute, I finally managed to stop crying and wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. I then used my thumb to wipe the tears off his cheek.

"I love you too. I always will," I barely managed to answer. "You will always be in my heart. Forever."

"That's all I wanted to hear. Please..." He broke off as a tears rolled down his cheeks once again. "Please take care of yourself and know that I'll always love you," he sobbed.

I couldn't help it anymore. I let the tears fall as I sobbed along with him. I wasn't sure how long we cried for, but when we finally stopped, I planted a lingering kiss on his now pale lips.

"I love you," I whispered again, wiping the tears from my face.

"I love you t–"

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

I jumped to my feet as the machine beside the bed started beeping.

Patrick lay limp on the bed, his once chocolate skin the palest shade of gray. Something inside me shifted and somehow I just couldn't get my body to move.

Realization struck and my body sprung into action. I didn't know what I was doing. It was as if my mind was still frozen and my body was operating on its own.

"No! No! Nooooooooo!" I heard myself scream. I grabbed Patrick by the arms and shook him with all the strength left in my body. "Patrick! Wake up! Patrick! Patrick, please!" I broke into sobs once again as I I realized he wasn't waking up. I lifted his body into a sitting position and shook him vigorously. "Patrick, please wake up!" I sobbed.

I thought I heard the door open. Through the corner of my eyes I could see people entering the room but I was too focused on getting Patrick to wake up to care.

My body rejoined my mind as I felt strong arms grab me from behind and began pulling me away. Away from my Patrick.

"Patrick!" I screamed as I struggled against the arms, kicking and scratching.

I felt a slight sting in my upper right arm. I didn't have enough strength to fight anymore. My body grew weaker and weaker until all the strength I had once possessed completely disappeared, and everything went dark.

______________________________________________________

A/N:

I'm very eager to know what you guys think.

Please:
Vote
Comment
Add
Share
Follow

★It's Carmen. Love y'all!★