Little Parts of Me

VIII. Suffocating Silence

Suffocating Silence

A sharp breath and then silence.

As if he was holding not only his breath but his tongue from the words he really wanted to say.

"Aiko... I..." The silence stretched on and on until it hit an unseeable end. A glass wall that seemed to stop time in its place as the seconds ticked by. Seconds that seemed like minutes and minutes that slowed down to what felt like hours.

We were both stubborn. A trait we unfortunately shared. A silent battle that would have gone on for much longer than it really had if we didn't care about each other so much.
If we didn't care about our relationship so much.

It was suffocating and the colours that shone bright had suddenly dulled at the sides as if it was slowly being sucked away. The light he brought to me was fading and it flickered with sadness and self-loathing.

My chest tightened around my heart, the silence drowning me in anxiety and knowing that I didn't know what he felt - what he was really thinking.

When there was nothing to hear and nothing to process, my mind reeled with the worst thoughts. I don't want our relationship to end but I don't want to be the one that confessed.

Pride, lust, greed and envy.

The four of the seven deadly sins that seemed to dominate my morals and what I wanted. It dominated my actions and the way my heart decided while my mind sat back and watched me tear everything apart.

"Aiko, come back."

"I'm here."

"I know, but.."

It was like he was always at a loss for words. That he couldn't describe what he felt, what words fit what he wanted me to understand. Or maybe he was worried he'd offend me again.

"What is it?" The words come out more venomous than I intended them to but I don't make a move to correct the misunderstanding he now probably harbours.

"It's my fault." It was like a video that continuously rewound and replayed. A video tape you might find at the bottom of a box, an item that was stashed there not too long ago.

It was familiar to me. The situation we were in. The way he self-loathed himself was similar to how he did it. Blame it on himself so it was over.
Blame it on himself for pity.
Blame it on himself because nothing else worked.

Blame it on himself because I made him think that it was a big issue and he was the only one to blame.

Guilt rippled through my chest and left a squeezing feeling in my stomach. I wanted so badly to tell him that it wasn't. That it was my own fault and that I already knew he didn't mean it that way.

He wouldn't intentionally do something to hurt me - I already knew that.

But stubbornness pinched at my throat and it felt something close to revulsion. I wish I hadn't gotten so worked up. I don't want to be in this situation.

I don't want to see that broken expression on his face anymore. I don't want him to feel defeated and hopeless. I don't want it to be my fault. I don't want myself to be the reason why he feels this way.

"Don't leave me anymore. I care about you."

"So what."

Words like poison that pierced his heart and mine. Words that couldn't have been more wrong about what I really felt.

"I care about you."

He repeated the same words, hoping that I would really listen this time. That I wouldn't shove them away with indifference and seemingly an uninterested facade.

"And so what."

Around and around in circles we went, chasing each other's tails until we were fed up. Tired of arguing and ignoring each other.

I just wanted to be with him again. But resolving issues wasn't something I was comfortable with. Because I have yet to learn how to forgive someone and then forget.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."