Little Parts of Me

IX. Mercy

Mercy

I can't do it anymore.

Hearing her laugh again, seeing her face that was filled with content. The people that surrounded her and talked like it was all normal.

Like our breakup wasn't even real. They didn't treat her as if she was supposed to be sad, as if she shouldn't be sobbing uncontrollably. It's like we didn't even happen.

I hate it.
I hate everything.

The way she was just fine. Just so suddenly fine. That she could throw everything away, all the laughs and pains that we shared. The late night calls that resulted in sleepless nights.

I miss it so much
I miss it so fucking much

How could she do this to me. Was I not enough? Was my love not good enough? Do I deserve this?

Yes, I was never enough for her. My love wasn't enough to satisfy her. I'm not what she wanted. I deserve to feel this pathetic.

I want her to be happy. To be so happy that all her problems can be drained away with the rain. To be lost and buried deep under the things I've given her. I want her to be happy, I do.

But there is no point in seeing her happy if it's not because of me. There's no point hearing her laugh if it was caused by someone else. There will never be a point until she's with me.

She healed me and mended every broken piece. She insisted and wouldn't stop until my 'I'm fine' turned into
'Of course, I am' and 'Why wouldn't I be?'. She wouldn't stop until her entire being was convinced that there wasn't even a hint of a lie in my voice.

She came into my world all too suddenly and left the same way. She was the only real thing in my life and the very thing that broke me.

Jealousy enough to fill up my body and seep into the cracks of my mind. Cracks caused by internal abuse. I eat away at myself until I find a purpose to do this anymore. To live and to find a way to make me happy again.

Stolen away from me. Stolen away by someone I never even worried about. She promised me he liked someone else, that she was just helping him.

The thoughts of her liking him before she broke up with me keep plaguing my mind. Did she cheat on me? Were they all just empty promises? Did she keep me around until she was sure that he liked her?

How dare he take the one thing that meant everything to me. The only reason I had to live, the only thing I lived for. I gave her everything. I thought she gave me everything in return.

If only I had listened to what she had to say. If only I hadn't made so many mistakes. If only I didn't make her sick and tired of my excuses and myself.

Maybe, just maybe we would have been fine.