Anxiety/ My Journal

Chapter 5: Crushes

Crushes are the worst.

      Ok so I get it this story is supposed to be about my anxiety issues and stuff, but I feel like I should more refer to this as kinda like a journal /diary thing now 🙄.
   Ok so this is kinda weird but I kinda have a crush on two guys.
     They r probly the only crushes that I've ever had to actually be friends with me TBH. The first guy (not going to say any names btw) is a bit or let's just say VERY INAPPROPRIATE .  
When I say very I mean VERY. I can't even explain what he did to me in English class but I mean if u guys really want to know then I'll tell u in the comments bcuz I'm not sure if I should share this without someone's approval. I have the feeling he likes me a bit tho but I'm lot sure yet.
      He's also kind of like a bad boy which seems to be my type 😉😏.  He also asks me very inappropriate things that I don't even have the answer to.
For example, he'll kid around with me by asking "can I touch you?" and I honestly just laugh for an answer or say no then laugh.

Whenever I answer he asks me why which makes me laugh even more bcuz it's PRETTY OBVIOUS WHY.
He's really stupid too. You know that one kid that's stupid but funny at the same time? YEAH THATS HIM.
    
Then there's guy crush #2. He is a year younger than me and is kinda similar to guy #1.
    My friends think he is annoying but I have this weird thing where if my guy crush/ guy I find attractive is annoying me or teasing me, I think it's kinda fun.
    The ways he tries to annoy me go like this: the other day during P.E. I was sitting on my spot. (which basically means there's a place on the floor that I have to sit on while my teacher takes attendance)
       His spot is kinda not too far from mine (but ever since we've met he's began to sit behind me to the point where our teacher will tell him to go back to his 'spot') so one day he was attempting to bother me by standing in front of me every time I turned around.
     He wouldn't leave me alone so when we were doing warm ups I had to stand side ways instead of straight like everyone else because of him.
He also calls me a very inappropriate name (again if u want to know the name I will tell u in the comments)
Not only that but he also has the habit of jumping on top of me and then asking me if he can have a piggy back ride (btw he is WAY shorter than me)
Btw I was really looking forward to P.E. today because of him (that's the only class I have with him) but my dad wanted me to go to the parent teacher conference, so I had to miss P.E.
I was devastated but then during lunch I was a bit surprised. So I was talking to my friend when I saw him walk by with his friends.
I was hoping he'd say hi but after a few minutes I decided he probly wasn't.
So I gloomily talked to my friend until I felt someone touch my shoulders. I literally yelled out of fear and turned around only to find him laughing at me. I pretty much told him that he scared me but then my friend just had to ruin it  and told him to "go away" because she thought he was annoying.
So yeah I can pretty much go on and on about my crushes but here's where the anxiety part comes in. Whenever I'm extremely close to my crush, in a crowded room with him, or just even think about seeing him in my next class, I have an anxiety attack or even sometimes an actual panic attack.
My hands start getting cold, I hyperventilate, and sometimes even making eye contact makes me even more nervous. This is the only reason why I hate crushes: they give me panic attacks.
Now I've never mentioned this before, but one of the symptoms of a panic/ anxiety attack is chronic indigestion which pretty much means that my digestive system is sensitive to this kind of stress. So whenever I have an attack my stomach starts growling for no reason (at the worst moments too), I get stomachaches, cramps, etc.
So yeah plz comment if any of u can relate to this in any way or think that maybe one of my crushes like me back ;)
P.S.
I'd like some relationship advice too plz!