Anxiety/ My Journal

My anxiety

It's Thursday. I'm sitting in my 1st period class, flustered and nervous. "I'm picking out names!" My teacher exclaims as I anxiously watch her shuffle the cards with our names written on them. My stomach growls and suddenly my anxiety skyrockets and just makes me look more awkward than I usually do. I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans so they won't get too sweaty and I begin to hyperventilate. I found myself holding my breathe in constantly so I wouldn't look weird just gasping for air.
Sometimes I wonder how nice it would be to just be calm and never nervous. I walk out of my classroom and look up only to see a crowd of boys. Please don't talk to me, I get way too anxious and awkward around boys. I bump into one. "Oh sorry." He says. I avoid eye contact and suddenly mumble "sorry" as well. I turned away quickly. He probably thought I was weird like all the other boys do. They just don't understand. I wish they did. Eye contact has always been my weakness so people often wonder if I'm sad since I looked down so much. I just am not the biggest fan of eye contact.
I basically felt the same in every class except in 5th period I was so nervous I had to use the restroom. The worst part is that I don't even know why I'm nervous half the time.
I came back home, and that's when suddenly something hit me. So I was talking to my parents about my problems in depth for the first time and then realized that I needed to stop whining and get back up. I couldn't go to the doctor nor did I even want to because I didn't want to have to rely on meds. I was too afraid of addiction, same as my parents. I decided that I was going to try my best to help myself and to finally experience what it's like to be calm.
"I can't continue to be like this." I thought to myself. I remember one day I was just laying around in bed until something clicked suddenly. I go on YouTube and find others with the same problems and find ways to calm myself down.

        It's taken some trial and error, but over time I found ways that really help my anxiety such as:

-Talking to close friends about it (bcuz it really is unhealthy to keep mental issues like this to yourself)
- Journaling (bcuz if u have no one to talk to then just talk to yourself about your problems and then when ur comfortable tell someone)
- pretending ur a celebrity (bcuz pretending I'm beautiful beyonce makes me feel better around people for some reason lol)
-watching funny videos that make me laugh (laughter is a really good medicine)
- writing in planners
-not eating too many sweets before bed (I'll admit it's hard but it helps)
- doing things I love to distract me from all the negativity
- and even reading helps occasionally as well :)

        Although just bcuz I do these things doesn't mean my anxiety is completely gone or that these things work for everyone. I will say that the stress has gotten heavier over the years, but I've just gotten stronger, so I can lift all that stress. It's still there, hasnt changed much either, but I've learned how to cope with it without any help. I will thank the friends who actually sat down and heard me discuss my problems (u all know who u are) and ily guys for doing so :)