Anxiety/ My Journal

A New Chapter

I've been gone awhile but I've decided for once it's time to return to this writing thing and to handle my problems hands on. This is all apart of my recovery and for me to take on all the mental challenges myself feels terrifying and yet somehow I'm forcing myself to do it. The reality of anxiety isn't pretty mentally or physically. It's given me a sorta bladder problem, unexplainable depression, thoughts that lie to me constantly, constant tears, confusion, anger, frustration, muscles so tense they begin to sore, the desire to go away, and so much more that I just can't interpret. It all started with me and then as life went on the people around me made it worse. When I was just 12 years old I had already been having recurring panic attacks for about 2 years but didn't think much of it because I thought I was just overreacting. When I turned 12 I realized that what I was feelin and thinking was controlling me and I had to say something. That year I told my parents and from that day on I believed no one was gonna understand me that everyone was just gonna hell and think I was crazy or dramatic. The same year I experienced a serious drop in my self esteem after my crush accused me of something I wasn't involved in and verbally bullied me in text and sometimes in person. I will never forget "flat chested ass bitch" or "so fuckin ugly no one will ever want u" words from someone I liked so much at the time. It was so terrible that his words even stuck with me when he moved schools. They still do to this day I will never forget them. 8th grade I started over as I as I completely removed a toxic friend from my life and I gained a new best friend, Ariel. Ariel a true angel to me I never want to let go of our friendship. At first we didn't like each other but 8th grade I didn't have any friends and neither did she. I'll never forget walking into pe on the first day of school with Rosalia and seeing someone offer us a spot on the benches next to her. And as time went by her and I told each other everything like I mean EVERYTHING. It felt great to have someone who genuinely just cared about me and yes we've had many fights, seen each other cry, but we're still here (3 years of friendship 💙) never have I called a friend my best friend and my sister. Summer of 8th was a sign that the good things were coming to an end. As soon as I found out one of my closest friends was going thru a kind of depression I dedicated that summer to helping her through it all because I loved her that much. Crying my eyes out from nights where she just wanted suicide and my anxiety was getting the best of me again. I began to think no one cared about me, that I am so ugly and selfish I should just die. Times where I literally would go to the kitchen, grab a knife, point it to my chest, and would ask "is this what I want?". Staring at pills the desire to kill myself was getting strong but what kept me going was my selflessness because deep down I felt that even thought I don't want to be here my friends need me. No matter how much pain they give me I want to help them even if it means putting my life on the line. I have a strong belief that "hate" is a word used toward someone u don't want in your life. I have only said hate to someone once in my life and promised I would never tell someone that ever again. Truthfully nothing anybody does to me will ever make me hate them or not want to help them no matter who it is. Freshman year is by far the hardest year I've faced. I stopped caring completely and ignored my family, let my grades drop (I was barely passing), and after my dog passed away I went under a depression. I lost my motivation and care for my life. I cried nearly everyday and had arguments with my parents that lasted hours and usually I cried while trying to yell. It felt as if the inner me was tired of all this bullshit and was trying to break free. My depression was all because I made myself believe that no one cared about me and no one will ever understand me or even care to listen. I made extremely unhealthy choices for someone as young as me. I snuck around a boy who wasn't my boyfriend and dealt with things that way. It was my way of forgetting, but of course when it all ended it wasn't the best ending. U can only imagine what other guys thought of me. Yeah the wrong things like a toy sorta. I won't go into detail but just know that is not my way of handling things anymore. February, an older man broke into my room at 3 am and attempted to do something to me. For awhile I couldn't sleep and when I finally could I slept with the tv on or a light with all the doors in the house locked. Every time I walk thru those halls I remember that night and get anxiety from hearing things that sound like footsteps and feeling like he's watching me. I'll even be scared to look at my door entrance in fear. Back to present day and I've made a lotta changes. I purchased a self help book, got my parents to understand and told them everything that has happened to me, getting my peers to understand, finding people who actually help me, forcing myself to be motivated, brought my grades up that for once I was so proud of myself. I have never been so proud of myself. To be honest I still have the same problems that just get worser  and worser, but I've learned some things just aren't gonna get better but learning to be strong really helps.