You're the Music of My Heart

Ten: Nirgendwo Gehen

Jean gave me a brief smile while we were on the plane to Austria. Mr. Smith wasn't ecstatic that he would join us but he wasn't against it. I guess he thought he'd be a distraction and stop me from playing with my full potential, but honestly, he'd help me.

I don't think Jean realizes how much he means to me. Now I don't want to sound like the guy that claims he's a wallflower and that my life is not good enough or terrible, but honestly it hasn't been easy. Now, my family has always been there for me. But it's just when you're now in college, I feel this pressure to really figure out what I want to do, who I want to be with after school, my future goals and dreams, stuff like that. It's been a long time since I've had a chance to really think things through and finally come through with some idea of my plans. On top of that, I don't really have the friends I wish I could have. Except Bert'l, Reiner, Armin, and Annie, well, they're all great, but sometimes, I wish I had more people to talk to that could support me. Mr. Smith is okay but sometimes though he acts too adult-like and it can be quite different than talking to a college student about things.

Jean I guess kind of keeps me up on my feet and just makes it easier, especially the ride. Because we sat on the outside of the orchestra group, many of us were listening to our performing music or goofing around so there was some disorientation. And, a baby was crying behind us so it was difficult to get rest. Since we were flying normal economy class, we didn't have much space to recline and relax without the dissatisfaction of the people around you. So at one point I put in earbuds and played Frederyk Chopin's Etude Op. 10 No. 4 to keep my mind of the stress. At one point, I drifted off into looking out the window beside me and I guess I transitioned into a catatonic, zoned-out state; apparently I worried Jean. He nudged me with his elbow softly, which easily snapped me out of my reverie. I didn't mind too much. But internally, thoughts began to circle my mind. What if I mess up? What if I disappoint the orchestra?

This felt all too familiar. The feeling that I can never do anything. It was just like a couple weeks ago, the moment those guys attacked me next to my dorm building. I was defenseless, I was weak. I couldn't do anything. I never can. All of those of reassurances by other people that I was okay, that I just have to believe in myself. But what if I tried believing in myself so hard that I don't even know what having confidence feels like anymore. It's not that I'm depressed, but I just never have the self-esteem ever.

I sigh, leaning back in my seat and stretching my pudgy, slightly beefy legs. Oh yeah, I forgot about self-consciousness with my body; that's actually a thing. The fact that my entirely life I was told the baby fat would go away and it never did actually stung. I was always slightly overweight even though I have no idea why and I'm still like that now. And it didn't help coming out when you're fourteen so you've got that and the weight issues made it easy for me to be bullied, which was terrible.

I change the song from Chopin to Tchaikovsky's the Nutcracker, Op. 71: No. 7 "The Battle". How funny that my favorite symphony is being played during Christmastime when Austria is like the Christmas capital of Europe and the fact that Tchaikovsky was rumored gay? Yeah, we are going to be performing the Nutcracker during the championships but I don't know if it'll be enough to win.

Jean nudges me again, but when I turn around,I find him listening to music too on his phone. But the tapping continues and I discover that it wasn't him, because it's coming from behind me. I turn around and look to see another guy with a short buzz cut and a girl with a high ponytail and a hand in a chip bag. They were Connie Springer and Sasha Braus. Connie and Sasha are both trumpeters in the orchestra and I've heard they've known each other for a long time. They almost seem like a couple more than friends...

"Hey, you!" the girl slightly loudly remarks. "You're the really good violist, Marco right?!" Connie turns to her and tries to shut her up because she's really loud but she lifts her hand to the air to shut him up. I start to blush when I realize I haven't answered her question. "Oh, uh yeah. That's me..." "Sasha, maybe he doesn't wanna talk right now, leave him be! The poor guy is too shy!" Connie utters. Sasha deadpans before looking back at me. We sit there like that for a couple seconds of dead silence before she asks, "Do you have any food?" I can't help but laugh when she says that. I turn around and pull out some food I bought at the vending machine at the airport. I hand her some Skittles and some cookies and she grabs them from me super quickly. It's so fast that I don't have any time to blink. "AHHHHHH, THANK YOU SO MUCH MARCO! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!" she hollers before getting yelled at to shut up. I grin. "No problem!" Connie eventually joins in on the conversation. "So, you seem to have a lot of experience, man. How long you've been playing?" I've been asked this so many times so I don't even have to ponder about it. "Well, I've been playing the violin since I was four and piano since I six." His mouth drops, and I almost feel guilty like I've bragged or something. "Dude, that's awesome! You see, Sasha and I, we've been playing since that typical 6th grade stage when everyone is forced to take up an instrument. We've been playing since." Sasha grins with a mouth full of Skittles and I can see the color of the dye in her teeth.

"So, what're your plans after you graduate? I mean, you are a senior, right?" I sigh. The truth I've been trying so hard not to think about is right here in front of me. "To be honest, I don't really know. I'm probably going to move to New York and apply for the New York Philharmonic. Maybe fall in love or something..." I see Sasha immediately stop chewing and I fear for the worst. "OOHHH, does Marco like someone?" Connie deadpans. "Sasha, get the hell out of his business. Besides, I don't even think if he likes any other guys. And honestly, Marco, that's cool you're gay." I feel my heart burst with joy that they were okay with it, and it makes me feel like I want to get to know them more. "Thank you. And there's no promises on that." I almost regret saying that when I feel like I hear her spit everywhere. "WHATTTT!!!" Jean turns around and frowns. "Hey! Why'd you do that!?! It's on my neck now, gross!" Sasha and Jean start bickering and Connie sighs again. "Damn, sometimes I have no idea how she can even manage without me." I realize that they may be just friends but I was still curious. "Hey, so I don't want to sound nosy but are you two like... a thing or something?" It gets really quiet again before I hear the laughter come out of Connie and Sasha's mouths from that. "Hell no! We would NEVER date!" "Oh! Connie has the cooties too!" Sasha remarks. "Besides, he's too annoying!" The two continue on fighting and I realize that for the first time in a while that I've finally been able to talk to someone new. And they're pretty nice people. As the conversation moves along, I find myself getting to know them a lot more than I thought I would. Connie and Sasha have been best friends since 4th grade. Connie has an older brother that just got married a year ago and he majors in European History. Sasha also has older siblings, and she's majoring in both German and Psychology. Apparently, he dad even owns a bakery in town so she works there every summer with Connie.

The one thing that felt funny to me was that I never really talked to Jean so far on the trip. I felt kind of bad so I decided to add him in the conversation. "Hey, Jean. We're playing truth or dare. Wanna play?" He looks up and smiles. "Hell yeah!" Eventually, Sasha is dared to not eat any more snacks the rest of the ride and if she does, Jean will buy her a box of Austrian chocolates when they land. Connie admits that he's a virgin and Sasha jokes about it, so clearly she lost hers.

"Marco." Sasha says and I look up. "Dare." She looks at Connie beside her and grins. "I dare you to tell me who you like." I can already feel the blood rushing through my cheeks and I know I'm blushing. Should I tell her? Or not? I lean in past my seat as she moves closer and she tilts her ear towards me. I whisper the name. "Jean."