Gone Mental

Chapter 15 : Fighting the urge

Chapter 15    

The next day...

Riker POV

Matt came in with our breakfasts. I was sitting on Ericka's bed, waiting to see if he had any news. And he did...

"I would like to let you guys know... The police came here last night and searched his office. They found drugs in his desk drawer."

We were pretending to be kind of surprised.

"And they fired him, and arrested him for having them here."

"So... We get a new evaluator?" I asked.

"Well... Eventually... We still have to find someone to hire."

"Oh..."

Matt left.

"We did it! We got him fired!" I said, hugging Ericka.

"But... We can't exactly leave until they hire someone new."

"I know... But we can get even better while we wait. I think we're doing pretty good. It's been a while since I hid under the bed. And I don't remember when you last hid either."

"Yeah..."

"So..."

"So what?"

"Since we're getting better, don't you think maybe we should celebrate with a kiss?"

Ericka gave me a look.

"What? We're almost better, right? And we both know we're going to date. What's the harm of just... starting early?"

Ericka sighed.

"I just want to wait until we're fully better, ok Riker? You have to respect what I want."

I sighed.

"Well what about what I want?" I asked.

"Riker, you just want to kiss me. Kiss your hand or something."

"That's not even close. If I can't kiss you, can I kiss your hand?"

"Fine..."

I took her hand, and gently pressed my lips to it. And then I pulled Ericka into a hug.

2 weeks later...

Riker POV

I don't know what set me off, but I had a really strong urge to go hide under my bed. I was so worked up inside, and I just couldn't seem to calm down.

Ericka's not even here to help me because she's at a therapy session. I'm all alone, trying not to give in.

I was laying flat on my back, stiff as a board, not daring to move a single inch. If my feet touch the floor, I'm diving head first under the bed.

I ran my hands through my hair, and pulled at it until it hurt. I ran my fingernails down my cheeks, scratching them slightly. I'm so tense, and I can't seem to get rid of this feeling.

My therapist told me I'd have really bad days, even when I was better. She said I'd probably still have random urges to go hide under the bed. And if I give in, it shows that I'm not better, and I'm weak. But if I can hold back from doing that, it's a sign that I'm getting better and stronger. There's really no in between.

The door opened, and Ericka came in, shutting the door again.

"Whoa, Riker, what's wrong!?"

She sat next to me on my bed.

"I-I just w-want to hide," I stuttered, trying not to break into tears.

Ericka sighed, and looked at me with a worried expression on her face.

"Please help me get through this," I whispered, tensing up even more.

Ericka took my hand, and intertwined our fingers tightly.

I just kept repeating "I can't go under the bed" over and over in my head. I need to get better, and I need to fight this.

My chest was already super tight, but it was starting to hurt now. I dropped Ericka's hand, and ran my hands over my chest, as if that was going to do something.

"What's wrong?" Ericka asked.

"It hurts."

"Riker, I know you're scared. But you have to calm down, otherwise you're just going to feel worse, and the urge will get worse."

"I can't."

"Riker. Listen to me. Take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Come on. Try it."

"It hurts!"

"I know. But you have to calm down or it's going to hurt even more."

She took both my hands in hers tightly. I closed my eyes super tight.

"Come on, Riker. You can do this. Breathe in... and out."

I did as she said, but my chest hurt a lot.

"Come on. Again, Riker. In... and out."

I was trying so hard to focus, but it was really difficult for some reason.

"You're doing good, Riker. Keep going."

I kept taking my deep breaths. And after a few minutes, everything felt calm and safe again. My chest felt kind of sore and a little bit tight still, but it was a lot better.

I sighed, and opened my eyes.

"Better?" Ericka asked.

"Yeah..."

I sat up, beside Ericka. She put her arm around me, and gave me a side hug.

"Why does that work?" I asked, quietly.

"Why does what work?"

"Deep breaths?"

"It tells your body you're not in danger. When you're hyperventilating, that's your fight or flight response. Your body senses danger, and it's trying to get enough oxygen to fight or run away. But when you take deep breaths, it forces your heart to beat slower, and it sends your body a signal of safety."

"Oh... I never knew that..."

"Yeah... That's why they tell you to take deep breaths if you're having a panic attack. It legitimately helps."

I sighed.

"I'm really tired... Being scared tired me out..."

"Why don't you take a nap? We don't have group therapy today."

"Ok... But I want to be wherever you are."

"I'll stay in bed with you."

"Ok."

I curled up next to Ericka, and took a nap.