Brokenness Aside

I Need To Know

I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I began to pull away and withdraw as I always do when I'm afraid of being hurt. Lindsey had left to go to the studio and I was putting together a suitcase. I tried to pack light but with boots, shawls, journals and all the other bits and bobs I consider absolute necessities, I have to grab another bag for other clothes and toiletries. I hear the door shut downstairs and I assume it's Karen. I leave the bags on the bed after struggling to close them and I take my little dog down with me to get an update on my flight.
"Is it booked? When do I-" Shit! There standing before me was Lindsey and he looked upset.
"Stevie..." His voice sounded low and menacing and I backed up until my calf hit the edge of the final stair. "So you're just going to leave? Where are you going?" I knew I shouldn't be afraid of him but he look several slow steps toward me and my heart was pounding in my ears.
"I, I.." I put the dog down and she runs into the living room and hopped onto the ottoman, laying down. "Lindsey..."
"Well, what are you going to say? That you need space, that you're 'scared'?!" He wasn't yelling and that terrified me. His eyes looked so unfamiliar and almost wild and unearthly . Something in me told me to run. I stumbled upstairs and tried to shut my bedroom door but he pushed it open. He was just too strong.
"Hey, let's talk about this..." I tried to touch his face but he pushed my hands off of him. "Please, I love you..."
He pushed my suitcases off the bed and they landed loudly on the floor. Lindsey had a temper but not like this. I sink to the floor, knees to chest and I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I can barely breathe and he just stops. The air feels thick, like the aftermath of a very big storm that has destroyed everything in its path. He falls to his knees and starts crying. I look up and cautiously go to comfort him. He leans into me and I hold him to my chest.
"I can't handle one more person leaving me...please don't go. I will do anything..." His words shock me. "One of my friends died last night...And Kristen took my children and I can't get in contact with them." He says and I feel like I had been punched in the stomach. "I'm sorry I did this to you."
"It's okay" I say, even though I am still a little shaken up.
"No, Steph, it's not"
"I thought you were going to hit me" I admitted. I feared for my life. I had never seen him quite this way before. He kissed me and I knew he needed me. "Let's get you some tea. Then maybe we can talk" He nodded and followed me to the kitchen. I put the kettle on and sat at the table with him. He wouldn't look at me.
"I'm so ashamed." I don't know what to say so I just try to help him sort through all he had told me.
"I'm sorry about your friend."
"Alan...he died in a motorcycle accident. A semi truck crossed into his lane and there wasn't anything left"
The image he painted was too graphic and I started to cry again, my hand over my mouth. "Then Kristen...I've tried to talk to her for three days. The house looks empty when I look through the windows. She had changed the locks and there were no cars in the drive. I tried to call her inside but all it did was ring and her cellphone is going straight to voicemail. I tried to call her mom and even some of her friends and as soon as I, I speak they hang up or tell me they don't know anything but I know it's a lie"
"We can figure this out"
"And now you're leaving too. Where are you going? Let me come with you! Please, don't leave me here alone. You're all I have. I love you so much" His voice was filled with desperation.
"I was going to Maui. Years ago I would have gone to Arizona but since my parents are gone...I'm pretty much alone too" I heard myself say the words and it hurt. I had never said it aloud, I never even said it to my journal. I was alone in this world. "I won't go if you agree to talk to me. I have some hard questions to ask you..."
"Of course, anything! Oh God, Stephanie! Thank you"

---

Once again we find ourselves in bed together. This is the only way we know how to deal with our feelings it seems. We are lying together after a couple of hours of love making, bodies sticky with sweat. He kisses my temple and I really can't get something off my mind. I look up at him, my big brown eyes meeting his blue grey oceans and I can't help myself from shedding a single tear down my cheek.
"Why did you leave?" He looks like he's been blindsided by my question.
"What are you talking about, I'm right here!" He jokes uncomfortably. He is messing with his hair and fidgeting with the bed covers.
"Please don't play with me. I need to know"
He sighs "What would you like to know?"
"Where do I start? I mean, I guess I want to know why I didn't hear from you for almost a year and a half? Why didn't you call me? Check how I was doing? I was hurting so badly and you were just gone. You wouldn't talk to me, you wouldn't show up to places I would be appearing...you avoided me at all costs. I needed you. Why? Didn't you love me anymore? Were you disappointed in me for not being about to carry her? Were you mad at me because I couldn't give you a family? What did I do?" I was in full blown tears now and I could barely hold myself together.
"Jesus, Steph. It was nothing like that. Don't ever think that. I was so distraught after the loss of our sweet Melissa and I thought about her all the time. I would leave during the day and go get wasted in the studio and often times stupidly and still very drunk, I would drive back home to you and go to sleep. I couldn't handle the pain I was feeling. I felt at fault. I felt like I had done something and God was punishing me. You looked so beautiful pregnant, Steph. You were so truly happy and the happiness reached your beautiful chocolate eyes. When she...you lost your sparkle and I know I made that happen. Everything I touched would turn to shit while everything you touched was gold. I tore the light from your eyes, Stephanie. I couldn't forgive myself. Sometimes I even prayed for death. I was dangerous and reckless and I knew I had to get sober for you, for Missy. I had no one else to live for. Mick of all people signed me into a program. I entered counseling for alcohol abuse and I found help managing my grief. That's why you couldn't call me, why I couldn't call you. That's why I wouldn't go to you. I wasn't allowed. After a while, I was able to come out and enjoy life again but when I was in there, I met Kristen. She had been going through a lot and overcoming drug and alcohol abuse and we sort of fell together. After a few...romps, she told me she was pregnant. I wanted that baby, Stephanie. This was the baby you and I should have had, but I couldn't have her so I thought this one might be at least second best. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." He was sobbing now and after all I heard, all I could do was hold him. "I would do anything to have our baby girl back. Anything. I would have given my life for hers."
"Shhh, she's in a better place. As much as it hurts, I know there is a higher reason why she isn't with us. There was a time when I too would have given my life for hers, gladly traded places but I couldn't, I can't."
"You're such a beautiful person. I don't deserve to be with you"
"I'm not Lindsey. With all we've been through, brokenness aside, we deserve each other"
"For better or for worse" he says, laughing a little and I laugh too.
"Thank you for telling me everything. If I have anymore questions--"
"I'll answer them. I promise. And I want to apologize again about this afternoon."
"Never do that again. You scared the shit out of me" I kissed him tenderly. "Do you still want to go to Maui with me?"
"I'd go to the ends of the earth with you, baby, if you asked me too"
"Oh, but Hawaii is so much nicer"
"That it is, that it is"

A/N: thank you for bearing with me on this chapter. There is still a lot that needs to be answered but this is a good start. Is all really forgiven?