Brokenness Aside

Picking up the Pieces

I was finally released from the hospital and wasn't allowed to do much of anything. I felt much better and was able to walk on my own, do small tasks. I still needed help carrying things heavier than a gallon of milk and the girls were being so good. So attentive. Will even came home during the day a few times a week to help out around the house and it brought tears to my eyes when he hugged me so gently. He would continually ask me how I was feeling or what was going on when I would stare into space.

1996;

"Stephanie, please be careful angel, you know what the doctor said" Lindsey tells me and I roll my eyes.
"I'm pregnant, not dying. Plus, she's plenty safe in there" I pat my belly, feeling her little kicks beneath and I giggle. Her presence brings me such joy.
"She will be here in just a couple of months and you need to be resting. Let me carry the groceries."
"Alright" I give him the bag I was carrying. "It wasn't even heavy"
"But still too heavy for you. Are you hungry?"
"Starving!" I say.
"Alright, sweet girl, I'll make you a sandwich for now but let me know what you want for dinner, okay?"
"Thank you, you precious, precious man" I kiss him, a hand on the side of his face. He rubs my belly and I go to sit down in the living room.
"How is sweet Melissa doing?" He asks, bringing me the plate.
"She's perfect" I'm smiling like a fool but I cannot believe how lucky I am. "Just like her daddy"
"No, just like her mama"
"Such a sweet talker!" He sits down next to me after putting in a movie. He helps me lay across the couch with my feet in his lap and he rubs them. They ache so often and he knows exactly what I need. We have always been so in sync. We talk about our plans for her room she what we think she will look like...I'm so happy this man came back into my life and that he gave me my most precious gift.

Present Day;

I wipe the tears I didn't know I had shed. Thinking of those days always brought out the tears. Stella came to sit by me, my intuitive little angel, and wrapped her arms around me.
"Don't cry, mommy" she whispers, kissing my hair.
"Oh I'm alright baby girl."
"What were you thinking about?"
"Nothing..."
"You can tell me. I tell you everything, especially stuff I can't tell daddy" I giggle and she holds me a little tighter.
"It's really heavy stuff....are you sure?" I look to Lindsey who is watching me intently and he nods. "Why don't we all talk about it, okay?" LeeLee comes over with Will and we all sit together. "Will, you always ask what I'm thinking about and I always say it's nothing. But it's not nothing, it's never nothing." I take a deep breathe, getting the courage to continue. Lindsey rubs my shoulders comfortingly.
"It's okay, baby" he says softly.
"Are you okay, mommy?" LeeLee asks. I nod.
"Years and years ago, before any of you were born...your daddy and I were expecting a little girl. We loved her so very much. We spent every minute of the day talking about her and to her" I smile, remembering.
"We named her Melissa after a song we both loved and we nicknamed her Missy" Lindsey added.
"Yes, and she made us both so very happy. We imagined she would have soft brown curls and big blue eyes like your daddy and she would have my nose and lips...we loved her so much"
"Where is she?" Stella asked quietly.
"She's in heaven, baby" I tell her. "She never made it earthside. She became an angel and I never got to meet her" I start to cry, harder than I expected but I had been holding it in the entire time. I try to calm myself down for the kids who gave me sad and worried looks.
"I wish she could have been here" LeeLee says sadly.
"There is a reason for all things, sweet girl. Had she been here, your daddy wouldn't have met your mommy and had you three beautiful children."
"I wish you were our real mom" Stella said. "Maybe we could have been yours instead of hers"
"Unfortunately it didn't work out that way." Lindsey said.
"But I love you all as if you were my very own. I love you just as much as I love my angel Melissa" The children took turns giving me the warmest hugs. They were all in tears. "I didn't tell you all to make you sad"
"I'm glad you told us about her" Will said. "Dad said that one day we will all meet again, all the people we love but can't hold. I'd like to believe that's true"
"Me too!" LeeLee chimes in.
"Me three" says Stella.
"I love you so much" Lindsey kisses my temple, squeezing my hand.
"Alright, girls, time for homework and bed" Lindsey announced.
"But daddy!" Stella protested.
"You will see her in the morning." He said sternly though he wanted to let them stay up longer.
"Good night, my little babies"
"Goodnight"

A couple of hours later it sounds like a scene from the Waltons is going on upstairs.
"Goodnight LeeLee, Goodnight Stella" Will shouts before he leaves to go back to the apartment he and his girlfriend now share.
"Good night Will, Good night Stella" LeeLee says.
"Goodnight LeeLee" Stella says, hearing the front door close. "And goodnight Melissa. I can't wait to meet you one day"

Stella, you sweet thing, you melt my heart. Lindsey had tears in his eyes and he kissed me so softly. "I'm so happy you told them today"
"We told them" I corrected. "It feels good"

He helped me get up to get ready for bed. He held me while we ascended the stairs and I went to check on the girls upstairs. "I love you" I whispered before going to our room. I changed into my night clothes, this time just a simple button up top and shorts because I needed something that wouldn't pull my stitches. I brushed my hair, washed my face, put on moisturizer and turned off the bathroom light.
"You're getting your strength back" Lindsey tells me, kissing my nose when I've climbed into bed.
"I'm trying. I do feel really good but I don't want to push it. I can't wait to go back to how we were"
"Neither can I. I have so much planned for us when you're better" I give him a look. "No, not that...though I would like plenty of that" He smiles and he looks like the Lindsey I knew when I was just a girl. "I love you"
"I love you too, angel. More than anything"

----

The next couple of weeks were eventful. Kristen took a plea deal, downgrading her from attempted murder to aggravated assault with intent to kill.  That meant wouldn't have to testify, for which I was very relieved and grateful. Lindsey cried happy tears knowing she wouldn't be coming back for a very long time though LeeLee often said it wasn't near long enough for what she did. I wrote a lot, even more than I normally do. I had songs, poems, paintings and drawings...it flowed out out me in huge all consuming waves. Some days were good, others not so good. Some days I would be very lively and normal and others I would hole myself up in my room.

Moving forward, I did my best to mother those girls in the way they needed. I dove deep into fantastical and mystical things with my Stellabear and with LeeLee, it would be discussing clothes, boy talk and which earrings I would let her borrow for a date. Her father wasn't pleased with her taste in boys but they always came to meet us first. She would always ask my honest opinion and I gave it to her, not sugar coating it at all. That's what she wanted. My girl would hug me and thank me every time and she usually listened. Sometimes we would conspire to drive Lindsey crazy by having a boy we knew he didn't like come over for dinner night after night and he would be huffing and puffing the entire time. It was really very funny.

My wounds healed and most days I don't even think about what happened. It was too much for Lindsey so we ended up selling the house and moving into one that the girls helped us pick out. It was still close to their new school and they were loving the free and easy beach life. Stella took up surfing! She was so good and Lindsey and I were both shocked. She was a natural. We married there in front of family and friends half a year after "my accident" as Lindsey prefers to call it. He still tries to detach himself from what happened and wishes not to talk about it if he can help it. LeeLee and Stella officially became mine only a few months later and things have been bliss ever since. Though I never saw them as anything other than my own since their father and I reinvested in each other, this made it very real for me. I have daughters, my dream! Life has thrown me quite a few curve balls but I know now this is what it took for me to come back to the love of my life and as I've said before everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The End