Buzzkill [Winter Soldier]

Chapter 33

It wasn't for another twenty minutes after they rewrote James' mind that Dr. Mage came back to Ruth's cell.

    "You're disgusting," Ruth spat at Mage before he even entered the doorway.

    "Am I?"

    Ruth scoffed.

Dr. Mage stood his ground. "Have you ever thought about how much pain comes from getting your memories back? All the awful memories? The memories of people and places he would never be able to return to? We're helping him."

    Ruth listened to everything he said, but didn't reply.

    "But don't worry, he still knows of who you are. He just doesn't remember any of the talks you two have had, or anything you've told him."

    "Are you trying to make me...angry? Or something? I thought you needed me out in the field as soon as possible. I thought you didn't want me angry?" Ruth tried to hide anything she was feeling. The truth was that she was angry. She was furious. 

    The grin still lit up his face, "I'm just letting you know."

    Dr. Mage grabbed the tablet from Ruth's hands and walked back to the door. "The thing that is 'disgusting' Miss Rogers, is what you've done without us or anyone else having to rewrite your memory on what is good and bad. Whether you've told yourself that or not, six years old is plenty old enough to know that it is terrible to hurt and kill people, and yet you've done it freely. Contrary to what others may think, the Winter Soldier isn't the monster in this building." And with that, Dr. Mage left.

    Ruth felt numb.

    The voices stopped, her hands were still. Everything fell silent as if all that had happened in the past hour never happened at all. The silence was deafening. It filled the space around her mind to where her loneliness felt inescapable. Ruth never knew at what times that the serum was controlling her mind or thoughts, little did she know it was a constant from the moment the serum was injected that it began to feed off her her mind. Ruth couldn't feel it. It silently creeped up on her so slowly that she wouldn't be able to see the change even if she wanted to. She blamed her outbursts and her behavior on the serum to try and make herself feel better, but the truth was, she didn't know if it was her; maybe it was her.

    James was gone.

    Who knows how many months he was actually out of this "cryo" chamber to even begin to get memories again. Ruth would never know how long it took for James to get to the place he was at with his memories, even if she constantly reminded him for weeks on end, it wouldn't be enough.

If James saw Steve, and recognized him, did they talk? Was that what triggered it? What did Steve do? If they were friends before this, was Steve overjoyed to see his friend again?

    Ruth just wanted to get out. Her stomach ached and her body felt weak because they hadn't given her any food yet that day, and she doubted they would surprise her with dinner after what had just happened.

    Early the next morning, it seemed to Ruth that life went on as usual throughout the building around her. Hunger gnawed at Ruth's stomach as she watched people walk by, waiting for one of them to bring her something, to tell her something.

Only a few minutes later Dr. Mage emerged at her door.

    "Good morning Miss. Today is a big day! Can you feel it?" Dr. Mage smiled and his voice was full of cheer. After the unwelcome greeting, he moved on.

    James appeared shortly after Mage. Ruth instantly could see the change in him. His expression and demeanor was back to the lifeless ghost from before.

    "James! James, do you know who I am?" Ruth asked, trying to hurry to get his attention.

    James stopped walking and glanced up and down at Ruth, his expression unfazed, "The experiment, Ruth?"

    "Yes. Ruth Rogers."

    James furrowed his brows, no memory being triggered. "Ok?" He replied, then continued to walk along.

    No no no no... Ruth whispered to herself.

She needed to get out of her cell, she needed to do something. It wasn't even just about helping James from being caught in an inevitable death trap, it was about getting out, doing something that would stop her mind from taking over.

    But it was silent.

    Ruth banged her fist on her cell door until someone would listen, but James was gone, Mage was nowhere to be seen, and lab coats and agents passing by looked at her with disgust. She then turned to one of the cameras at the corner of her room and yelled and waved her arms enthusiastically as if it would get someone's attention,

    "Hey! I'm still here! I can do something! I can help! Get me out!"

    But the silence continued. No one even came to her door to tell her to shut up.

Ruth then listened to herself, acknowledging that she just yelled at the top of her lungs and flailed her arms around to a camera inside of a cell. At the facility in Sweden, Ruth had never raised her voice. For her to even talk to anyone besides Ryker without an explicit purpose never occurred. Ruth felt as if her skin were crawling, like she wanted to somehow get out of her own body somehow but couldn't escape.

I'm not going crazy, I can't be. I still have my mind.

    Looking down at her hands Ruth could see they were battered and stinging from her hitting the door repeatedly.

Feeling as if her body would give out, Ruth sat on the floor, pushing herself back so that she leaned against her bed; then she cried. She held her head in her hands and wept as if so many months of emotion finally made their way to the surface.

Grief from losing her brother and the sudden shock of losing her entire life gripped her. So many times Ruth thought about what she would do to get that life back. Even though at the Sweden facility the abuse was constant and the torment held her each day, she had Ryker. She had a room to call her own that wasn't the size of a supply closet. She was able to get out and see the people who she had grown to know every day.

Ruth just wanted Ryker back. She just wanted to see the innocence in his laughter when he watched a Disney movie about a mermaid. The movie didn't even matter to her, the job didn't matter to her. Whatever Ruth had to do to be able to go back and have Ryker around again, she would do it. That's why she was here. She was here for him. Hydra said they were SHIELD and SHIELD was the place that Ryker wanted her to go, to find peace.