Buzzkill [Winter Soldier]

Chapter 43

The bond between Ruth and James grew far beyond what either of them would have expected when they first met. They knew more about each other as they talked about their nightmares, fears, and pasts more than anyone on the outside knew about them. Even Ryker didn't know as much about Ruth because she didn't want to tell him all of her thoughts and memories of her family in fear that it would trigger something painful for him. There were still things Ruth wouldn't describe to James about the facility in Sweden, but she surprised herself about how much she was opening up.

As he shared his memories with her, it hurt Ruth to feel like James trusted her. Who knew when the trust would be broken.

Summer steadily transitioned into autumn. Even in the city, the changing color in the trees seemed to paint the grey of the sky and the buildings with a vibrancy. Both Ruth and James would look at the sunrise-colored trees with wonder as if they had never seen anything more beautiful in their lives.

It was reaching towards the end of November when James remembered something terrible, a dread that he know there was no way to get rid of. As the sun faded into the sky and the stars came out, Ruth sat on the wood floor of the apartment with her back against the couch making bracelets. A couple days before, Ruth found an old CD player at a thrift store for cheap and bought it along with a CD that had twenty songs of J.S. Bach's Greatest Sonatas. The soothing music would play most of the day throughout the apartment, it helped fill the nagging silence. James sat down on the floor next to Ruth with his current notebook in his hand and an expression of concern.

"Ruth, I remembered something that I need to tell you," he said, his voice low.

She set the bracelet down and turned to listen. She knew he didn't always say the memories that frightened him the most, so to see him this concerned made Ruth apprehensive.

"There have been a few words that have stuck out in my mind over the last few months of being here that I thought didn't make any sense by themselves, but I wrote them down anyway." James struggled to make eye contact as he spoke. "I figured out how they all connected now, and if anyone else still knows these words it will do something to me where I wouldn't be able to control my actions. I could hurt someone. I could hurt you."

Ruth was confused by what he meant, "Hurt me? Are you saying these words make you aggressive?"

"They make me lose control of myself. Whoever has those words will be the one who controls what I do."

Ruth could hear the fear in his voice, "Do you know of anyone who has these words? Did Pierce have them?"

"No, I don't know if Pierce even knew about them. It was a long time ago."

"Why are you afraid that you could hurt me because of them?"

"I won't be in my own mind. If someone commanded me to hurt you, then I would. I wouldn't even know about it until the effect wore off."

Ruth paused, she didn't even know where to begin on what to say.

"But there is a word that will shut me down."

She looked back up at James.

"I know I've hurt you before, and I don't want it to happen again, but I'm not sure if I'll have a choice in the future. I'm going to tell you the word that shuts me down and all you have to do is say it out loud and I'll be out like a light."

"The word shuts your brain down? Wouldn't that hurt you?"

"A bit, but that doesn't matter if it saves me from killing you."

"James you don't have to tell me."

"I want to. I know you won't use it against me."

Fear filled Ruth as he said that. He did trust her, why? "Ok," She replied.

James flipped to an empty page at the back of his notebook and wrote something down. "Again, if you say it out loud, I'll be out."

Ruth nodded, anxiety tightening her chest.

James turned the notebook around and showed her. His handwriting uniform and in small, capital letters: SPUTNIK

Ruth went over the word a few times in her head. "Does anyone else know this?"

"Only the people who programmed it into my brain."

"I really don't know why you would want to tell me this, James. If no one else knows about it."

"Just in case."