3am thoughts

alone?

I am 18 years old. Throughout my life I have had many friends. Most people do. The thing is, for the last 13 years of my life, I have had new 'best friends' every 2 years at least.

I know what you're thinking. "Get over yourself, everyone goes through friends". And you're absolutely right. But the thing is, all of these people left me. I hung onto these people, and they became bored of me I guess.
At first I had accepted it. I just thought, 'I'm only in my early years of school, there's someone out there for me". And for a long time I was hopeful that later on in my schooling, someone will want to me around me for longer than 2 years.

I now have a week left of school, forever. And nothing has changed. I've had 3 friends for almost  2 years and they are beginning to drift from me. They may not know it, but if it continues this way, I won't be around them anymore. The sad thing is, I'm not surprised. Not saying that I knew this was going to happen, just, when it did, I just kind of thought, 'oh. okay'.

Don't get me wrong, all of these people that I've been friends with, are nice people. They just don't feel things the way I do.

The problem with this is that its lead me to believe that I'm insanely alone. And these friends that I've had, they all have a best friend that sticks with them. I'm just confused as to why no one wants to stick with me?

I've never had a boyfriend either, hell, I've only had about 4 guys who had willingly wanted to hang around me in my whole life. Of course they all aren't around me any more, I think I know why but I'm not going to get into that.

My point is that, although I am alone, and only have a few friends who put me second, I'm still here. I'm alive. And yes I have felt alone for around 13 years, but maybe I won't be alone for 50? Just because I've gone through this long period of time where I've felt unwanted, doesn't mean I will always feel like this.

Besides, I'm an optimist and a pessimist in one.