3am thoughts

what do i want

What do I want from life?
Not, what should I have, or what I need.
What do I WANT?

I want to be happy. I want to wake up and think "I'm so happy to be alive".
I want to wake up knowing that I'm loved and wanted.
I know my family love me, it's what family is for. And I appreciate it. I know that some people don't have that. Every single day I'm thankful for my parents and siblings. Even though we are a little messy, I'm happy they exist.

But I want other people to love me. I want to know that I can be loved by people who haven't grown up with me, or share the same blood. I want to know if people can learn to love me.

I know that this sounds a bit absurd, and selfish, but it's how I thrive as a human. I love being alone, but being lonely? I despise it.

There is only one person that I know, who isn't my family and hasn't broken my heart. One person. Even though I'm not on top of their 'list', I know they don't want to lose me.

There have been so many people that have come and gone, who have left a mark. That's a given, that's life, it happens to every single person.

But I've had a lot of people who have came into my life, stayed for a while, and then just as I love having them, they decide that I'm not really worth keeping around. They may appreciate the attention, and like me, but they don't think for one second, "I can't live without her".

And that's the one thing that makes me so damn upset. That there have been people who I would love to have in my life, but they don't feel the same way.

I know they care about me, but they have priorities, and I'm not on that list. I'm not a must. They can afford to lose me. Sure it will hurt, but they can live without me.

And it's taken me a long time to come to that conclusion, but I am right.

There are people who can't imagine a life without you, then there are people who can. Simple as that.