3am thoughts

want

we want what we can't have.

That's the honest truth.
If you happen to want something, and then that 'want' comes true, then you are one of the lucky ones.

We as humans want so many things. Objects, houses, money, makeup. And really, these are all possible. If we set our mind to it, you can get almost anything that you want.

I say almost for a reason.

We can get any thing. It's possible. But what we can't get are people. Feelings.

You can't force feelings is what I'm saying.

You can't force a person to be friends with you. You can't force someone to be in love with you. You can't even force yourself to hate or love someone, because it's not possible to set your mind to it, it's all about what your heart wants.

Your heart doesn't care what your mind wants. It doesn't think rationally, it doesn't strategise, it doesn't plan, it just happens.
And yes I know that your actual heart doesn't do this. But your brain sections itself off to all of these rogue emotions because it's human nature to FEEL.

One emotion that resonates with me right now is lust. That, and hurt. Funny how those two emotions together make sense yet, don't at the same time.

See. My mind is being rational. Throughout the day it's telling me that I'm being silly and that I shouldn't feel like that. So of course I go through the day agreeing with my mind, ignoring what my heart is feeling.

That is until I try to fall asleep, and while I'm laying in the dark, attempting to empty my thoughts, my mind shuts down, and my heart tells me what it's been trying to tell me all day.

Making me remember all these mixed feelings. Why I have these feelings, what led to them. And I try so hard to shut them out, but my mind has already switched off and has let my heart take the ropes for a bit. 

So here I am, laying in the dark, thinking, feeling everything that I've tried so hard to block out.

But because I try so hard, and want to block out these feelings, it makes sense that I can't have that.

Because we want what we can't have.